It has been one month now since my boyfriend, aka the Housemate, left for Antarctica. I am not holding up as well as I thought I would.
We've been messaging and emailing practically every day since he left, though there was a six-day period in there where he was on a boat and had no communication with me at all. In the past week and a half, we've even been video chatting most days. That has definitely helped a lot. But I still miss him like crazy. Once in a while, I go through periods where I find myself feeling really sad, almost lost without him--I even whimper. I just want him to come home, or for me to hop on a plane and go to Antarctica to be with him.
What happened to me? Up until a little over a year ago, I'd never had a boyfriend. High school, college, and two years of post-grad, I never felt like I needed a boy. I was single and proud. But now I have a boy, and when he goes away, I feel miserable. Have I really become so dependent? So weak?
I expected it to be a little difficult without him. He's such a huge part of the life that I've constructed here in Hawaii: housemate, classmate, best friend, boyfriend. Without him, there's no one there when I wake up, eat breakfast, walk to school, walk home from school, make dinner, eat dinner, watch TV shows, and go to bed. No one to talk to about my day when I get home from school. I have been spending a little more time with a couple of my friends at school, but it's nowhere near what I had with the Housemate.
On top of this, though, I think I'm missing him even more than I anticipated due to unexpected circumstances. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right now. My research at school is in a sort of bad place. I've been stuck for a little while on a problem, partially because I'm having trouble finding the motivation to move forward and fix it. I've been doubting the direction of my project, and even my passion for the topic. It's sort of a downward spiral: I get frustrated with some problem in my project, so I start to question whether it's a good idea at all, which makes my motivation to work through the problem diminish, so I spend even more time getting frustrated, etc. Now that my fellowship application is in and I really have no excuse for not moving forward with my project, I've been feeling a little depressed about my research.
The other thing that's hovering over my head is that my grandmother is really not well. She's been living under nursing care for the past few months because she's really weak after her last stroke, but at least she had been talkative (though, having poor short term memory, she'd keep asking the same questions) and was feeding herself. But the past month has been full of ups and downs--periods of fever, or no fever, times where she can feed herself, or can't feed herself, is talking, isn't talking, etc. My mom and brother arrived last week Thursday, and the next day she started to get better. Still not how she'd been a month ago, but she was talking a little and wanted us to wheel her out for some fresh air and sunlight. But then suddenly on Wednesday, she had a bad fever and hardly seemed aware of us being there... Basically, it's very possible that this is the final downhill slide for her. I'm resigned, but it's still stressful, and the fact that all we can do is wait is so sad. So it wasn't the best Thanksgiving. My brother and I had a couple hours at a proper Thanksgiving dinner party with extended family members on the island--as I had celebrated Thanksgiving last year--but most of the day was spent hanging out with the grandparents, holding my grandmother's hand, holding a wet cloth on her forehead, comforting my mom. Forgetting that it was supposed to be a day to be thankful, and just feeling sad and stressed.
So that may be why I miss the Housemate so much, and feel so empty and lonely sometimes. Having him here couldn't fix all my problems, but it would certainly be some welcome comfort and support. February can't come soon enough. I thought having my mom and brother here would help speed things along, but no such luck. I guess there's still the holiday season to look forward to.