It has been one month now since my boyfriend, aka the Housemate, left for Antarctica. I am not holding up as well as I thought I would.
We've been messaging and emailing practically every day since he left, though there was a six-day period in there where he was on a boat and had no communication with me at all. In the past week and a half, we've even been video chatting most days. That has definitely helped a lot. But I still miss him like crazy. Once in a while, I go through periods where I find myself feeling really sad, almost lost without him--I even whimper. I just want him to come home, or for me to hop on a plane and go to Antarctica to be with him.
What happened to me? Up until a little over a year ago, I'd never had a boyfriend. High school, college, and two years of post-grad, I never felt like I needed a boy. I was single and proud. But now I have a boy, and when he goes away, I feel miserable. Have I really become so dependent? So weak?
I expected it to be a little difficult without him. He's such a huge part of the life that I've constructed here in Hawaii: housemate, classmate, best friend, boyfriend. Without him, there's no one there when I wake up, eat breakfast, walk to school, walk home from school, make dinner, eat dinner, watch TV shows, and go to bed. No one to talk to about my day when I get home from school. I have been spending a little more time with a couple of my friends at school, but it's nowhere near what I had with the Housemate.
On top of this, though, I think I'm missing him even more than I anticipated due to unexpected circumstances. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right now. My research at school is in a sort of bad place. I've been stuck for a little while on a problem, partially because I'm having trouble finding the motivation to move forward and fix it. I've been doubting the direction of my project, and even my passion for the topic. It's sort of a downward spiral: I get frustrated with some problem in my project, so I start to question whether it's a good idea at all, which makes my motivation to work through the problem diminish, so I spend even more time getting frustrated, etc. Now that my fellowship application is in and I really have no excuse for not moving forward with my project, I've been feeling a little depressed about my research.
The other thing that's hovering over my head is that my grandmother is really not well. She's been living under nursing care for the past few months because she's really weak after her last stroke, but at least she had been talkative (though, having poor short term memory, she'd keep asking the same questions) and was feeding herself. But the past month has been full of ups and downs--periods of fever, or no fever, times where she can feed herself, or can't feed herself, is talking, isn't talking, etc. My mom and brother arrived last week Thursday, and the next day she started to get better. Still not how she'd been a month ago, but she was talking a little and wanted us to wheel her out for some fresh air and sunlight. But then suddenly on Wednesday, she had a bad fever and hardly seemed aware of us being there... Basically, it's very possible that this is the final downhill slide for her. I'm resigned, but it's still stressful, and the fact that all we can do is wait is so sad. So it wasn't the best Thanksgiving. My brother and I had a couple hours at a proper Thanksgiving dinner party with extended family members on the island--as I had celebrated Thanksgiving last year--but most of the day was spent hanging out with the grandparents, holding my grandmother's hand, holding a wet cloth on her forehead, comforting my mom. Forgetting that it was supposed to be a day to be thankful, and just feeling sad and stressed.
So that may be why I miss the Housemate so much, and feel so empty and lonely sometimes. Having him here couldn't fix all my problems, but it would certainly be some welcome comfort and support. February can't come soon enough. I thought having my mom and brother here would help speed things along, but no such luck. I guess there's still the holiday season to look forward to.
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6 comments:
Something I've learned: the months, one way or the other, slip by quickly. That's easy to saw now, especially because our circumstances are very different, but just look at the glass as half full. Or 1/3 full.
You'll pull through, kiddo :)
Yay, 1/3 down. I know that it is tough and the missing will get you down sometimes, but it will pass. Don't think of yourself as weak, it is normal to miss the one you love. I hope the project problems are figured out soon, and that you and your family have more good moments with your gran.
That sucks. I'm bracing myself for my husband to be gone just for a week & trying to think of all the little rituals we've gotten into that I'll have to make sure get done while he's gone.
I hope the holidays makes the time go by faster until he's back!
SN - Right, 1/3 full. He proposed starting a daily countdown, but I said I didn't want to think about it until we were at least halfway there. This month has seemed really long. Maybe the others will speed up.
Cassey - Thanks :) My grandmother was asleep for two days straight but then woke up and ate and listened to us talk...now she's been asleep for a day and a half again. We'll see how it goes.
Hi Rut - Yeah, good luck on your week solo. And thanks, I hope the holidays go faster, too! I never expected to say that, haha.
In a sort of way... it's similar to a marriage, cause you live together and spend so much time together.
I'm sorry it's been harder than it should for you with so much going on... Hopefully it's gonna be easier when you take a break with your studies and have your time for yourself, to do what you used to like in your single days! Get in touch with the people you used to hang around with before! I agree it's best to start counting later, when you stop anticipating his return, that's when time's gonna pass by quickly...
Vanessa - Yeah, it's strange to think of it that way, but you're kind of right. There was one time that we were mistaken for a married couple! It's been a weird month, but hopefully the next two will be easier.
Ruth - Haha, it took me a while, but I finally realized that that post was you, not "Rut". Sorry :)
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