The Piled Higher & Deeper movie

Yesterday evening, I saw The PHD movie. The grad student organization at UH screened it in one of the outdoor food courts on campus. Appropriately, they had free food for the grad students. The turnout was very good.

I'd been a little worried that the movie would just be a bunch of the comics strung together and spoken out loud, and that it wouldn't be that funny because I'd already know all the jokes. But there were new jokes and situations that I hadn't read in the comics before. And there was actually a plot and nice character arcs, and I liked the message the movie sent. The story followed Cecilia and the grad student of unknown name (though he says his name at the end!!) as they suffer through about a month of grad school near the end and the beginning of their graduate studies, respectively. I really liked it, more than I thought I would, and I found it very funny. It didn't hurt that I was watching it with a crowd of grad students who also understood all the jokes, and laughed together in camaraderie and commiseration.

Since I have PHD Comics on the mind, I thought I'd share one recent comic that made me laugh very hard:



It's funny because it's true, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS. I haven't jumped over a bush, but I have hidden behind a campus sculpture to try to stay out of view of my advisor. As long as he doesn't see me, he won't remember that I'm supposed to be accomplishing anything! My goal as a grad student is to stay out of sight, out of mind. If only I had a Marauder's Map for the Oceanography Department. Then I could carefully choose what corridors to walk to make sure I never cross paths with him by accident. And if I saw my advisor coming towards my office, I could turn out my lights and pretend I'm not here.

If only. I better go get something accomplished now...

The coolest thing at the SOEST Open House

This past weekend was extremely busy for me, between two barbecues, the Hellrush event in Hellgate, and, most importantly, the SOEST (School of Ocean and Earth Science and Technology) Open House. As a graduate student in the Oceanography Department, I was obligated to help out with this biennial extravaganza in which professors and lab groups in SOEST set up displays, demonstrations, and interactive exhibits catered to the general public both inside and outside a cluster of ocean- and Earth science-related buildings on campus. Some local organizations (e.g. Waikiki Aquarium, Bishop Museum) join in the fun by setting up their own tents, and thousands of people attend. Friday is mostly groups of school children K-12, with more family crowds on Saturday.

Open House is nuts, but it's pretty fun. I bounced back and forth between my own lab group's exhibit (a wave tank demonstration) and helping out with that of another lab group that I frequently associate with (density demonstration--how a glider controls its own density--and internal wave tank). I was also able to see some of the other exhibits--more than I saw at the Open House two years ago. There was fish painting and other cute little crafts. There was a demonstration of the effects of pressure, where you use a syringe-type mechanism to pump air out of a little chamber with three or four mini marshmallows in it: they get noticeably bigger, which is pretty cool. The flashiest exhibit was the Explosive Volcano demonstration, where they explain how gas coming out of rising magma builds up pressure under the surface of the Earth until it's great enough to burst out (this is how Krakatoa and Mount St. Helen erupted, but not the way that the volcanoes on the Big Island are erupting). For the demonstration, they poured liquid nitrogen into a plastic water bottle, capped it, then quickly duct-taped it to two bricks, dropped it in a plastic trash barrel partially filled with water, put a beach ball on top for good measure, then gave it some space. We covered our ears, and about 10 seconds later BOOOOOM!!! Water splashes out of the barrel, beach ball flies up a couple stories, sound is heard across a large part of campus, and they show us the mangled remains of the water (nitrogen) bottle. Fun stuff.

Still, the COOLEST thing at the SOEST Open House 2011 had to be the remote-controlled fish balloons. I'd never seen one before, but the moment I laid eyes on the big, cute clownfish balloon swimming down the hallway, it was like Where have you been all my life? On Saturday, I tracked down the exhibit where the fish was living (apparently the dean had bought them, so they didn't actually belong to just one lab group), and I had my turn flying it around the room. It was so fun, and the novelty never wore off. Sadly, I didn't have my camera, so I have no video footage of my flying fish balloon encounter. So I'll give you this video from the fish balloon website so you know what I'm talking about:


Apparently they're called "Air Swimmers", which seems pretty appropriate. The balloons are filled with helium, but given the weight of the items attached to them they are very nearly neutrally buoyant. Ah, the magic of neutral buoyancy. With the remote control, you can make it flap its tail left and right to propel itself forward, or make it turn right or left with a single flap right or left, respectively. A weighted device on the underside of the fish slides forward and back, also controlled by remote, to make the fish tip forward or up, allowing you to make it "swim" down or up. And with that, you have a simple yet ingenious and fascinating toy that swims through the air.

They do have a few limitations. First, they'll deflate after a while (their makers claim they'll stay inflated maybe two weeks), though you can just get them refilled, I suppose. If they pop, you'll have to buy a replacement balloon. Also, they don't compete well with any sort of breeze. They're probably best indoors in places with high ceilings and lots of space to move around.

Seriously, everyone loved these balloons. Children, adults, visitors and scientists. In the short time that I spent with the balloon, I heard several children suggest they wanted one for Christmas--and several scientists say they wanted one too. I was one of them. They're available on Amazon for $39.99 (both the clownfish and shark designs), but so far I've refrained. I'm still trying to picture how well it would work in my own house, which isn't very big and doesn't have high ceilings. But I'm very tempted. I swear I'm not affiliated with Air Swimmers and do not mean this to be an advertisement for their product but... these are so AWESOME! Everyone should have one! That is all.

The PHD Movie!

I love PHD Comics. It's sort of a must for grad students. Grad school is a crazy time of working really hard but making no progress, slacking off and surfing the internet when no one's looking, hiding from your advisor, and generally feeling overwhelmed and undervalued. We who choose this path are a crazy bunch. We work full time for half-time pay, earning less with a college degree than most people can earn with a high school diploma. And for what? A PhD? The promise of getting the title "Dr." before our names, and, if we're lucky, the ability to be professors, a profession of grant-writing and minimal glory, earning surprisingly little on average compared to people with similarly advanced degrees (e.g. medical doctors).



PHD (Piled Higher and Deeper) Comics finds the humor in the absurdity. With its main characters in varying stages of never-ending graduate programs, as well as an accurate collection of supporting characters (the sugar mama, various flavors of infuriating advisors), we see ourselves and our lives in its comics. Sometimes it encourages me, knowing that what I'm experiencing is something every grad student experiences. Sometimes it depresses me, knowing that the misery is inevitable. But it always makes me laugh.

The comics are all done by Jorge Cham, who did manage to complete his PhD and now tours the country giving lectures on the virtues of procrastination. Sometimes he takes suggestions for strips from grad students who write in from across the country. Lately, though, the comic has been publishing less frequently than normal, because he has been working on a live action movie based on the comics. And now there's a trailer!


See the website for the movie here.

I love it. I'm not really active in, well, any organization at my university, but I hope I can get someone to sponsor a screening on campus. It would be so much fun, as well as a great way to procrastinate.

If you're looking to procrastinate, here are some of my favorite PHD comics:

Bright and early Happens more often than I'll admit
Why? Why? This past Wednesday for me, just about
Dork Barrel Spending
A tranquilizer with graphs in it Best way to fall asleep
We're all doomed
You know you've been grading too long when... My office mate says this has happened to her.
Extraneous
Incoming freshmen So true. I know maybe 6 buildings on campus.
Things to do...
The Economic Meltdown
How Grad School is just like Kindergarten
If TV Science was more like REAL Science

My Hawaiian research cruise: Sunrise vs. Sunset

Some people have strong opinions of whether they prefer sunsets or sunrises, but I've always liked both. Truth is, though, I see a lot more sunsets than sunrises; I'm not usually awake before the sun comes up. On the research cruise, however, my midnight to noon shift forced me to be awake--and usually out on deck--during the sunrise. Sunset was right after dinner, so I'd always catch it as well. And I always had my camera on hand.

In this post, my photos of sunrises and sunsets face off against each other. I had some photos in previous posts of Moloka'i at sunrise, the Big Island at sunset, etc., but the photos here must have the sky at sunrise or sunset as their primary subject and purpose.

Which one will win? Sunrise, or sunset?

Round 1:

Sunrise


Sunset


Round 2:

Sunrise


Sunset


Round 3:

Sunrise


Sunset


Round 4:

Sunrise


Sunset


Round 5:

Sunrise


Sunset


So who won (either round-by-round, or overall)? Tell me what you think in the comments!

My Hawaiian research cruise: Moloka'i

This was undoubtedly the most beautiful of the places we saw on our cruise: the sea cliffs on the north shore of Moloka'i. They're the highest sea cliffs in the world, rising 2000 feet above the water. The coastline isolated by those cliffs has been home to a leper colony, but I'm not sure exactly where it is along the coast.

We got there around sunrise, which meant that I was up for my shift. The cliffs are gorgeous and majestic, decorated with varying clouds, and there were whales near shore. We were even close enough at our initial location that we could smell the pleasant mulch-y aroma of the jungle. We noticed one house situated on those cliffs, visible through binoculars. I don't know how the residents get there--I understand you can get to that shore from the rest of Moloka'i either by boat or by mule.

Well, without further ado, here are my photos of the sea cliffs of Moloka'i.

Cute little island in front of the cliffs, at sunrise


Another shot of the same. I couldn't decide which I liked better. Opinions?


Valley between the cliffs, a little after sunrise


The sea cliffs, now fully illuminated by the sun


The cliffs stretched as far along the island as I could see.


That little island in front of the cliffs again


Same but in portrait


Valley between the cliffs at sunset


Lovely sunset over the far cliffs. We've moved farther from shore at this point.


Another shot of the same, with some spray from a wave crashing on the distant rocks


If you like the sunrise and sunset photos, tomorrow, my photos of sunrises and sunsets face off against each other. Who will win?

My Hawaiian research cruise: Big Island

The second day of our cruise brought us through the Alenuihaha channel between the Big Island (aka Hawai'i) and Maui. I think this is the Big Island, but there's a chance it might be Maui. It's at sunset.


Much of the time we were pretty far from land (see above photo), so I didn't get that many good photos of the Big Island, either.

That night, we could see about seven specks of lava spotting the coastline in the distance. It was nothing compared to what I saw on the Big Island last August, but it was still nice.


The Big Island is the newest Hawaiian island, and the one with still very active volcanoes. A month after our cruise, the activity went up considerably. Shame we missed that.

The most frustrating part was that we couldn't take good photos with long exposures because the ship was moving, so they'd just come out blurry. Here, you can kind of make out a plume of smoke illuminated red by glowing lava beneath it. There were several of these we saw on the crest of the land.


The morning was more scenic. Here's a little rain at sunrise on the coast of the Big Island.


I loved how some of the splotches of black hardened lava flows looked like someone had taken a big bucket of black paint and tossed it on the green hillside. The light wasn't very good for my photos, but you might be able to see better if you click on this one to zoom in.


I promise that my photos of Moloka'i tomorrow will be much more spectacular.

My Hawaiian research cruise: O'ahu

Our research cruise started and ended in Honolulu, and our first and last destinations were the underwater canyons off of Kaneohe on O'ahu's east shore. My photos of O'ahu aren't that impressive. Since it's the island I live on, I was less excited about the scenery here than I was at the other islands.

Downtown Honolulu


Me, excited to be heading out of the harbor


Islands off a point near Kaneohe, first day of our cruise


Same islands from a different angle, when we went back to Kaneohe at the end of our cruise


Kaneohe (or thereabouts), on the afternoon of our last full day of the cruise.


Tomorrow: photos of the Big Island

My Hawaiian research cruise: For Science!

On the first day of the cruise, my research group put out a wave buoy and a current mooring off of Kaneohe on the east shore of O'ahu (the island with Honolulu, where we started from).


Wave buoy making a splash. This is one of the buoys surfers can use to get a sense of the swell coming in.

There was a lot of downtime while we waited for the ship to move to the right position, or for the line to be let out a couple thousand meters, etc.


This is what my main job was on the ship: hold the line to steady the CTD sensors as they were lowered in and taken out of the water. This morning off of Moloka'i we had some beautiful scenery--photos of that will come later.

That's me on the right. I tie my own bowline knot.

Here's the computer lab, monitoring everything about the ship. That big screen in the center is what I was there to read. Looks kind of unintelligible at first, but it's actually pretty simple: how close the black lines are together corresponds to how close the CTD is to the ocean bottom. Time is on the x-axis, with current time at the right side, and the y-axis is milliseconds for a ping from the pinger attached to the CTD to reach the ship. One black line is the ping that reaches the ship directly, the other is the ping that bounces off the bottom then reaches the ship. The closer the lines are to each other, the closer the sensor is to the bottom.


Arguably the most exciting research project on our ship was this one guy taking some sort of atmospheric data with a bright green laser. Mostly he pointed it up at the sky, but he'd sometimes do sweeps down to the horizon. It's not eye safe for a few miles, so whenever it was on, someone would have to stand watch for airplanes and turn it off if it looked like it might fry the eyes of someone looking down from an airplane window. But it was a great show at night. Also, it was kind of cool to say that I was on a ship that shoots dangerous lasers at airplanes (well, it could).

Here's the laser-shooting apparatus.


And here's the laser, shooting off toward the water.

Pew pew!

Tomorrow: photos of O'ahu from the ship.

My Hawaiian research cruise

I announced on this blog in January that I was going on a research cruise around the Hawaiian islands at the beginning of February. One of the perks of being an oceanography grad student is that we are required to spend some time working at sea. I promised I would share photos from my cruise...and then got distracted. On our 10-day cruise, I took about 1000 photos. I went kind of crazy. The task of sorting through them all to find the best ones to share seemed overwhelming. So I put it off. But now that my classes are over and it's summer, I've finally put them online and will share some of my favorites with you.

The story behind this cruise: A labmate and I applied for a student cruise to gather data for our own research projects, and we were lucky enough to be granted some ship time on the Kilo Moana. The best part was that we were able to merge our ship time with that of a few other research groups, giving us more time on the ship (10 days instead of 5 or 6), more sites to see, and a good amount of downtime while the other groups did their research.

The Kilo Moana is a great ship. A twin-hull, 186'-long research vessel, it's very stable. Granted, I was playing it safe and taking "less drowsy" Dramamine most of the cruise, but I never felt sick. The ship also has a reputation among the research fleet as having really great food. I have to say, I was impressed. Ten days of all-you-can-eat, already prepared, delicious free food is a grad student's dream.

The cruise was amazing. I had about three days of pure pleasure cruising. I spent my free time taking lots of photos (obviously), looking for whales (we saw a few, though I missed the dolphins playing in the bow wake at one point), enjoying the ship's outstanding food, watching DVDs from the impressive collection in their TV room, playing a lot of Dominion (I brought it along and taught about eight people to play) and a game called The Resistance (a bit like Mafia), and even taking a couple martial arts workshops (one of the ship's crew is also an instructor of a certain type of kung fu).

It wasn't all fun and games, though. The least fun part of the cruise was that when we were working, I had the midnight to noon shift. Ugh. Waking up at midnight without a real breakfast was especially rough. The first time I had that shift, off of the Big Island, I somehow got it right and slept for a good amount of time the afternoon and evening before (I woke up for dinner--I didn't want to miss a single meal!) so that I felt fine through the whole shift. But every other time it just didn't work, and it kind of sucked. On the bright side, I did get to see both sunrise (because of my shift) and sunset (because it was right after dinner) every day. When I was working, I wasn't working very hard, but I'd have about 5 minutes of activity every 20 minutes or so, so it wasn't like I ever had a good chunk of time to get something else done, or to take a nap.

Our cruise left from the harbor in Honolulu, and our first destination was the underwater canyons off of Kaneohe on the east shore of O'ahu. Our cruise then went south between O'ahu and Moloka'i, then up through the Alenuihaha channel between Maui and the Big Island, around the Big Island and up through the channel again, then to the north shore of Moloka'i, back to Kaneohe, and counterclockwise around O'ahu to return to the harbor. To the right is a very rough approximation of our route. Color changes from red (start of cruise) to orange (end) to distinguish between earlier and later paths.

I've divided my photos from the cruise into five groups. They will be posted from Monday to Friday this week, one each day.
For Science!
O'ahu
Big Island
Moloka'i
Sunrise vs. Sunset

If you missed them but are interested, here are some of the tweets I made while on the ship, giving (almost) real-time reports of my thoughts. A large portion of them are about food.

1 Feb:

Whee! I'm on a boat. I haven't been online since 6:30 this morning. What did I miss, Twitter?

So far OK for seasickness. "Less drowsy" Dramamine it is. But tomorrow we zigzag through the Alenuihaha--a very windy channel. We'll see.

The food is amazing! Dinner was shrimp scampi, fettuccine alfredo, a great salad (with raspberries), and chocolate-covered strawberries. Mm.

Was less of a scientist today and more of an artist. My labmates put wave, current, temp sensors out while I took photos of them. Fun times!

Slightly disillusioned with how long stuff takes. I was on the deck from 1-8:30ish, and we put out 2 moorings. A lot of hurry up and wait.

We saw a whale! It was far away, and mostly what I saw was its spouting. But it's a good season to see humpbacks, so I'm hoping for more.

I should get more free time in the next week. I have reading, there's a big TV room with lots of DVDs, and I packed Dominion :)

2 Feb:

Overheard a conversation on another deck "blah blah blah ice cream sandwiches blah blah..." I made a bee line to the mess hall. Amazing.

Rockin' and rollin', but still feeling OK. Alenuihaha (haha!) channel didn't turn out so bad (though I don't want to speak too soon).

The sensor we just launched has an iridium beacon. I feel like I'm in Mass Effect.

4 Feb:

So much for my 3-day pleasure cruise. Midnight to noon shift tonight. Science is hard work! (Though much of the 12 hrs will be waiting...)

But on the bright side, we may be able to see lava from the boat tonight. Sweet.

Also: Our ship shoots a serious laser. We have to turn it off if an airplane flies by. Yeah we're pretty cool. I'll have pics to share soon.

Baked Alaska

5 Feb:

Midnight to noon shift. Basically pretending I'm on Buenos Aires time. Not very happy about it, but we can see lava glowing in the distance.

Finished my shift at noon, ate lunch, then took a NAP. Trying to decide whether to stay on weird schedule (work resumes in 2 days) or not.

Midnight lava was cool but too far away for good pics. Long exposure just blurred everything because of the ship's movement.

Sunrise was beautiful, though. The coast of the island is gorgeous and unique: gentle green slopes splashed with the black of cooled lava.

7 Feb:

Holy frak, we have the most gorgeous view right now. Highest sea cliffs in the world on Molokai. Whales. Sunrise was beautiful.

After our stunning sunrise this morning, we had a gorgeous pink sunset. Perfect beginning and ending to the day. Molokai is breath-taking.

8 Feb:

Oh my God, pumpkin muffins, fresh out of the oven and still warm. So delicious. I'm so going to miss having a cook when I leave this ship.

9 Feb:

Surf & turf: king crab and filet mignon for dinner. Deliciously smooth chocolate cream pie. I'm going to miss this boat.

10 Feb:

Back in port waiting to unload and disembark. I'm looking forward to my own bed and shower, but I'm going to miss having food cooked for me.

This week has been so totally I don't know

It has been a relaxing but emotionally draining week. With my advisor out of town, I spent the week "working at home", taking the time to think about what my Plan is for grad school. Laying out all the facts, all my doubts, all my certainties, and looking at my position rationally, I concluded that the best thing for me to do at this point is to pursue a master's degree. Once that's done I can choose where to go from there, be it a PhD, oceanographic work, or something else entirely. But it still doesn't leave me feeling great. Sometimes there is no wonderful, happy choice. And I give no promises--I could still change my mind at any minute.

Thanks for everyone who offered me advice and support this past week. It's been interesting to see what I can do with this blog that I can't do in real life. First, without people here who know me in person, I feel unburdened by expectation and more free to say whatever I feel like saying. And second, I get to put everything down in writing and organize my thoughts without anyone cutting in, in a way that is difficult to do in person, where everything is verbal, improvised, with real-time feedback. Well, it's an interesting study in blogs and online relations, at least.

Sorry it's been a bit of a heavy week here on my blog. Next week, I have some lighter posts planned, all about the happier side of my experience here in grad school. Yes, I'll finally share photos from my research cruise. It's hard to believe it was over 3 months ago, but I haven't forgotten my promise to post about it. Make sure to check out next Thursday's photos of Moloka'i. I was stunned by the beauty of the island's northern coast. And if you like sunsets and/or sunrises, I'll have a post on Friday in which the sunrises and sunsets I saw on the cruise will face off against each other.

Have a nice weekend!

The state of the PhD: Where do I go from here?

My heart tells me that I will not find happiness here. But my heart is a whiny bitch with no better solution to offer, so why should I listen?

I explained my internal arguments for both sticking with my PhD program and just getting a master's in yesterday's post. So what should I do? I could work through my difficulties with my current project, prove to my advisor that I am PhD material, and churn out a prospectus by the fall. I could even try to find a new project to work on with him, preferably something that he would be better suited to advise me on (since modeling is not something he does). He said he's done this before with a previous PhD student: the student had one idea for a project, but when it didn't work out, the professor got him on a different project that he knew would work out. Alternatively, I could finish a master's with my advisor, probably by the end of next summer. He could give me a tidy, manageable project that would yield results worthy of a master's thesis. A master's is not nearly as complicated as a PhD.

From a master's, I could either leave school to enter the work force or start PhD work with a different advisor. If I started working, I could be a lab tech, but better paid than I was in Maryland thanks to the master's degree, or I could get a desk job for the government or a private company. Potential new PhD advisors include the other professor at University of Hawaii whose offer to be my advisor I turned down, the professor at UH who was my initial contact and advisor of interest at the school but couldn't offer me a position due to lack of funding, and the professor I left in Maryland. She wanted me to be her PhD student, and I did enjoy some of the projects that she was working on. It seems odd that of the four internships I applied to that summer, the one that accepted me but I almost turned down assigned me to a mentor who turned out to be such a good match for me. All the more odd to think that after leaving her for more tropical pastures I might now be considering returning to her. I think I was happy working with her. But a year of blog posts show that perhaps I was bored and distracted in that job as well. Maybe it's easy to look upon the past more favorably than the present.

Those are my options as I see them, but none of them jumps out as the best choice. None of them even jumps out as a particularly desirable choice. I'm still too torn about my inner arguments, and the unfortunate position I've put myself in. I don't want a master's--I'll be miserable if I try for a PhD--I just need to work through it, turn a corner, and it'll all fall into place--it's hopeless--never give up! I think a part of me has always suspected that I won't be happy doing scientific research. But I'm mystified as to what career would make me happier, so what good does that do me?

I'm starting to realize one of the things I have to do: I need to forgive myself for not loving my research. Surrounded by people who love their research, I feel like something must be wrong with me. Am I not good enough to be an effective researcher? Am I not smart enough for a PhD? But it's not about talent or intelligence. It's about passion. If I fail to get a PhD where other people around me succeed, it's not because they're smarter than me, it's because they want it more. I want to want to do research to earn a PhD, but wanting to want something doesn't make it so. That's not my fault. Four years out of college, I still don't know what I want. That is my main problem, for now. I need to accept that.

Here is my current state of mind: I should get a master's with my current advisor. Most students in my program are encouraged to get a master's en route to a PhD, anyway; my two years of oceanographic research prior to entering the program excused me from that pressure, but that doesn't mean there aren't some professors who would happily recommend that path. That way, I can delay my decision for another year or so--whether I want to get a PhD or escape while I can. It would give me another year to try to figure out what I want. The thought doesn't make me happy, but it seems like my best option at this point.

I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd started my PhD with the other professor here at UH, or with the professor in Maryland. Would I be making the same agonizing choice I'm making now? Would things have gone more smoothly? I can never know. If this were a video game, I could reload an old save, see if a different option makes things turn out better. But this is the RPG called Life. There are no reloads.

The state of the PhD: Master's vs. PhD

In yesterday's post, I left out the most demoralizing part of my most recent conversation with my advisor. Noting how I'd spent lots of time working on classes and not much time working on research, he asked whether I still wanted to be a PI (principle investigator--that is, have a PhD and lead my own research lab), as I'd said I wanted to be when I started the program. Research is only rewarding if you love the research (oceanography research doesn't pay too badly, but it doesn't pay well). If I don't enjoy working late puzzling about a research problem and prefer to work on well-defined tasks from 9 to 5, maybe I shouldn't get a PhD. Do I maybe want a master's degree instead?

This is what broke me. I'd thought of it myself occasionally--I'm miserable, should I just flee with a master's?--but to know that my advisor was thinking it too was painful. Do I still want a PhD? Do I still want to be a PI? Do I want a master's instead? I don't know. I go back and forth on the issue multiples times a day. The reasons are all jumbled in my head, so I hope that by organizing them here I might be able to make a better assessment of each argument's merits.

Escape with a master's

I've been pretty miserable with my research here. At times I've been tempted just to quit, but having invested two years of coursework towards the degree, I feel like I should be able to have something to show for it. There are some programs that only award master's degrees if a student is deemed unfit to complete a PhD, where a master's is a mark of shame (e.g. MIT-WHOI), but our department loves to give master's degrees--no shame implied.

I have long doubted my affinity for a career in research. I applied to the undergraduate summer internship that started me on this career path in part to prove to myself that scientific research was not for me. I only returned to that lab in Maryland after I graduated the following summer because I didn't know what else to do, I needed to get out of my parents' house, and it was an easy job to get (the professor happily welcomed me back). I still didn't think I wanted to do scientific research. I hated reading scientific papers, was bored to death in seminars, and only made it through most days with frequent and long internet-surfing breaks.

After a year working as a faculty research assistant in oceanography, in an underpaid job that was heading nowhere, I decided to apply for PhD programs in oceanography because that seemed like the thing to do. Surrounded by smart, interesting, happy people with PhD's, I figured I should be one, too. I was good at what I did, I had a strong academic background and respectable experience in the research field, and it was a way to move forward and advance my career. In a way, it was the path of least resistance. Not a good reason to commit to a PhD.

I see my boyfriend (the Housemate), and he's a person who belongs in his PhD program. He gets to lab early, stays late, works on weekends, and he loves it. He enjoys isolating algae like I enjoy playing video games (well, almost). I call the Dragon Age 2 characters my friends, and he calls his algae cultures his babies. I fall asleep planning what strategy to use against a big game boss, and he falls asleep proposing methods to identify types of viruses infecting his cultures. When I see him reading an academic paper willingly before bed--not just to put himself to sleep--I get a little bit jealous. I wish I could love my work as much as he does. But I don't. Scientific papers and seminars become more interesting as you know more about their topics and can better understand them, but I still don't like them. There are so many things I'd rather be reading or watching. Recently I sat in a seminar, listening to someone present his work, and thought, "Why? How long did it take you to do that? Why did you care? It's soooo boooooringgggg." Is that really going to be my life's work as well?

When I think of it that way, and compare my experience and interest to that of my boyfriend, I see that I am not the sort of person who belongs in a PhD program. I can't be an academic, a PI, writing grants, begging for money. I can't spend four years working on a dissertation. I'll die of boredom long before then. Quitting would look bad, but getting a master's would be a graceful way to bow out of this huge mistake.

Never give up, never surrender!

I don't want a master's degree. I never have. I've worked as a faculty research assistant--a lab tech--before. It has its perks (not having to write grants, making it someone else's responsibility to find money), but I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. A PhD is independence. Yes, a PI still has to answer to many demands and requirements, but your research is your own. Why should I spend my talents answering someone else's question? I want to decide for myself what questions I want to tackle.

The thought of settling for a master's depresses me. Part of it is concern for how it would look to other people if I dropped out of the PhD program to get just a master's. My parents would worry about my career. My aunts and uncles would wonder what I did wrong. My friends would be less impressed. My mentor back in Maryland would be disappointed, as she saw great things for me and would always tell me, "The world needs you!" My current advisor would be disappointed, as he was excited by my writing ability when I started and looked forward to publishing papers with me. I know I shouldn't concern myself with appearances and what other people think, that I need to live my life for myself. But if how much other people adore or respect me affects my happiness, then why should I ignore it? Besides, if I settled for a master's, the person who would be most disappointed in me would be myself. It's a form of giving up. We're taught all our lives that quitters never win, giving up is the worst way to fail, etc. Yes, I've gotten myself into an undesirable position. But if I use that as an excuse to settle for a master's, it will be out of fear. It will be because I was too scared of the work required to fix things. Running away is the lazy solution. If I stop with a master's, I may wonder for the rest of my life how things might have turned out if I'd decided to tough it out, work through the difficulties, overcome the challenges, and earn the PhD. How could I deal with that wondering?

There was a time, after all, when I was happy doing research. I wouldn't have applied for grad school if that weren't true. I enjoyed setting up the computer model simulations and interpreting the results that gave me my published peer-reviewed article. I got completely absorbed in the task of taking 3D gridded model output of environmental conditions in Chesapeake Bay and turning it into a numeric of suitable habitat volume that could be used to help assess viability of fisheries. I worked after hours to solve that puzzle, and that was the research I proudly presented at the international conference in Berlin. Solving such puzzles can grant satisfaction similar to winning a game. With more experience and knowledge, I could come up with my own puzzles to spend long hours tackling.

There are even parts of my experience here in grad school that I have enjoyed. I love giving talks. I can spend long hours putting together presentation slides and practicing my "script" to perfection. And I'm actually pretty good at it. I've been told I have a good "presentation voice", and after last year's division student talks, the professors named mine as one of the top 3 talks (out of 14, so not that impressive). I actually kind of like writing papers. It can be hard to start, and frustrating to gather the appropriate sources, but once I get into it I can enjoy it. After all, if I didn't like writing, and organizing my thoughts into paragraphs of prose, I wouldn't be writing this blog. I also love teaching. I haven't actually had a chance to be a TA yet, but this spring I was a pseudo-TA for a couple people in a class I was taking. The class was on computer modeling of biological-physical interactions (wind-driven model of the Pacific, upwelling of nutrients from the deep ocean feeding phytoplankton blooms and thus zooplankton growth), which is my area of interest, and it being the first time the course was taught, there was perhaps a misunderstanding of what sort of skills would be required for the class. But I was always happy to help explain the model, the grid, the equation derivations, and the programming techniques to my friends who asked for help. This stuff was fun. One friend bought me chocolates at the end of the semester, saying he couldn't have passed the class without me. Some day, maybe I could teach that class better than our professor taught it.

Ultimately, I really love programming. I would use my weekly programming assignments for that class as a reward: OK, self, read those papers for the chemical oceanography class, and then you can do your programming homework. The logic, the equations, and the satisfaction of having the program run and produce output--be it mere plots or nifty animations--just worked for me. That kind of work I found fun and rewarding. The problem with the computer modeling I tried to do last summer was that it wasn't about writing a program, it was about installing the right toolboxes, learning how someone else set up a gigantic black box of a model to run, making grid files, input files, and figuring out what sort of output the model would give me. The problem is that the kind of ocean model that can give the best results is far more sophisticated than anything I could write myself. For now it seems I'm doomed to work with a monstrous black box that I barely understand.

I want a PhD. I want to be a doctor--but not that kind of doctor. I want to be a specialist in my field. I want to ask questions and be paid to answer them. And I don't want to give up when I've come this far already.

What should I do?

Those are the two arguments fighting inside me. Again, this post got really long. My thrilling conclusion will be posted tomorrow: Where do I go from here?

The state of the PhD: Where I am

Note: This is the first post in what looks like will be a two- or three-part series about my personal grad school issues. If you are not interested in personal turmoil or troubles in grad school, please check out some of my other posts.

I finished my graduate school classes last week. While there's a small possibility my committee could decide that I need to take some other class to help in my research, for now I have fulfilled all the official course requirements for my degree, plus all the "hidden" requirements the Physical Oceanography Division demands. I passed with flying colors, scoring A+'s in two of the program's most notorious courses, the highest marks in my "rite of passage" geophysical fluid dynamics class, and the adoration and respect of nearly all of the professors who have taught me. I say this not to boast, but to set up this bomb: No one cares.

OK, so my parents care, my grandfather cares, proudly boasting to his siblings about my marks, but the people who matter don't care. In my most recent conversation with my advisor, he told me in no uncertain terms that at the end of two years, no one in the department gives a hoot what grades I have earned--they care what research I have done. Which has been extremely minimal. Furthermore, he pointed out, I am paid as a graduate research assistant, which means that in theory I work half-time on school, and half-time on research. So if at the end of two years I have only minimal research to show, there's clearly a problem. Students who entered at the same time I did to earn a master's degree are finishing up their theses and preparing to defend. The grad student guidebook recommends we PhD students take our PhD qualifying exams, which include defending a prospectus for our intended research, after 18 months in the program. Given my course load, my committee determined at the beginning that I couldn't take it until completing four semesters of classes, but that is where I am now. Not only have I not started on my prospectus, but I don't even know where to start. After two years, I still do not have a research plan. And with this conversation with my advisor, all the fears that have been smoldering inside me, suppressed by continual burial, were suddenly brought to the surface to burst into flames.

Was that metaphor too much? How about: all the fears that had been bottled up inside me, kept from boiling by extreme pressure, suddenly burst out and bubbled over. OK, I think I got the bad metaphors out of my system now. Apologies.

I held it together there in his office, but when I got home, I broke down. I cried--a lot. This was right before my hell week, where I had a final presentation on Monday, a final presentation on Tuesday, and a final paper due on Wednesday. All that followed by two final exams. It was not the best time to lose all motivation, feel that working on classes was futile, that I should drop out, etc. I managed to pull myself together and bury it again (or bottle it up again...sorry, I guess I wasn't done) in order to get through finals. But now that those are over, I have to pull those issues out and examine them. I have been granted a reprieve in that my advisor is out of town for the week, which means that I have time to gather my thoughts before facing him. Before big decisions have to be made. And so I come here to air my thoughts, present the different sides of my internal arguments, express my doubts and assess whatever determination I have left.

First, let me clarify that I may not be as far behind as my advisor made it seem. While some of the students who entered at the same time I did are writing their theses and planning to defend this summer, there are just as many who entered the year before and still do not have completed theses. For whatever reason, progress is relatively slow at our school, or at least in our particular program. Average time to a PhD is 6.5 years. That gives me 4.5 years to finish before I am truly behind. My advisor has a master's student who entered this past fall, and she is very...driven. Having been handed a manageable research project (unlike PhD students who are guided to form their own), she has accomplished enough in her research to make my advisor worry about the fact that I have made no more progress than she has in twice as many years. At least that's one theory. My advisor has a reputation as one of the nicest professors in the department, and previously he had only ever been supportive and encouraging of whatever progress (or non-progress) I had made. If at some department meeting it becomes apparent that his student hasn't done any research, his peers will judge that it is his fault as well as mine. He needs to start pushing me so that he doesn't look bad. Well, it's another theory. Last week I commiserated with another PhD student in the same position (two years completed, little research accomplished, previously nice professor suddenly applying pressure), and we came up with these theories. It was also reassuring to know that there was at least one other student who was in the same position.

Even if I am not unreasonably behind schedule, the fact is that I am not in a comfortable position with my research. How did I get here? I see my problems coming in two categories:
1) Difficulties and failures of my research
2) Approximately 18 years of previous training to be the perfect student

I chose this PhD program with this advisor because of the research project he proposed (some may recall my tortured decision). I was interested in numerical modeling and biological-physical interactions, and the project involved the study of interactions between hydrodynamics and coral reefs, both through modeling and field measurements. And he promised scuba diving around coral reefs would be part of my job. It sounded great, but things haven't really gone smoothly. I finally got my scuba certification last fall, but I still haven't taken the scientific diver course that is required before I do any scuba for my research. It might happen this coming fall, but that's only a "might". It was fairly well accepted that with a full course load my first two semesters that I wouldn't get any research done until the summer after my first year. When that summer came, I dove into trying to get a coupled model running on my computer. The trouble is, it turns out my advisor is not, in fact, a modeler himself, so he had no better idea than I did of how to get the model set up. A month into the summer, I still didn't have the model running anything beyond the default scenarios, and when I finally took one of the many problems I was having to a professor who does run the same model himself--on the same operating system--he was absolutely baffled as to why I was getting the error I was getting. My advisor handed me some data so I could pull enough research together to give the required student talk at the end of the summer, and apparently I did a great job on that. I used the same results from that August talk in my talk for the general public in November. And I turned that November talk into a short article (again for the general public) this past spring. I've stretched those weak results about as far as they can go, because the fact is the only real research work I've done since last summer was on my February research cruise. I still haven't looked at the data we collected on that cruise (or posted photos...I swear I'll get on that now that it's summer).

Some of the difficulties my project has encountered have been outside my control. My advisor wrote me into a joint proposal with a number of other principle investigators, which started me down a certain path of research, but it didn't get funded. He also directed me toward working with a guy at NOAA, but that didn't work out. After my two months of relatively successful summer research, which was on data from Hanauma Bay, we planned to put new sensors out in the bay to investigate some phenomena we discovered from the initial data. It turned out, however, that the restrictions on instrumentation in the bay had been tightened, and our repeated attempts at trying to comply with the new rules all failed. The February research cruise funded from a proposal a labmate and I wrote, but the part of the project that was supposed to be mine was cut because, again, we couldn't get permits for the sensor--this time because it was within three nautical miles of land off of Kaneohe Bay. I'm all for protecting the sensitive ears of marine mammals, but does it really make a difference to them whether the source of the pinging is slightly under or slightly over 3 nautical miles from shore? Alas.

These are among the many reasons that I was frustrated with my research. The more I failed to understand the model and get it running, the more impossible the task seemed. As I was repeatedly denied more data, it became easier to forget what it was like having data. For the past two semesters, any time my mind would turn to research, it would flinch away. I didn't know how to approach it. Talking to my advisor always seemed reassuring, but somehow I'd go back to my office still not knowing what to do. Besides, why would I work on something so impenetrable and infinite when I had something neat and tidy with clear, achievable goals and an obvious finish line? That is to say, classes.

I've always been a good student. Even in an elite university, I excelled in my classes (well, most of them). My whole life, I've trained myself to work hard in school, churn out good projects, good papers, and score well on exams. I've never been mean about competition, but it's always a personal goal in the back of my mind to be at the top of the class. And just because I took two years off of school between undergrad and grad school doesn't mean I forgot those skills. I don't know how to do "well enough" in classes. The competitive spirit kicks in, and I have to do the best. That is why, when faced with the choice between tackling a perpetually unrewarding research project or pursuing the catnip of a possible A+ to stare at on my transcript, I ignored the research and worked on my class work. (And maybe a good bit of internet surfing. And sometimes blogging).

That is how I got to the pathetic place I am right now. Two years into a PhD program with no prospectus in sight. Since this post has gone on way longer than I'd anticipated, I'm going to break it up. Tomorrow, I will get to the juicy stuff I meant to get to today: My inner arguments for and against continuing toward a PhD.

The Housemate is back!

Just an update -

I got back from my research cruise on Thursday afternoon. It was amazing, I had a lot of fun, we saw some beautiful sights, and I ate a ton of really delicious and impressive food. I will definitely be writing some posts on the cruise in the near future, once I find time to go through all the photos I took.

The Housemate finally came back from Antarctica on Friday afternoon, having left so long ago on October 26. I drove to the airport to pick him up, and I have to say that it was actually a little weird when I saw him--like my brain didn't quite believe he was really there, and not just video chatting with me again. Also I had asked him to grow out his beard so I could see and feel it when he came home, so when he climbed in the car I wasn't sure how to go about kissing him. Too. Much. Hair. But that initial strangeness aside, I am now very happy to have him back. And the beard is gone.

In addition to writing about my cruise, I need to catch up on everyone's blogs because I didn't read too many posts when I was on the boat. But first I need to catch up on school work. I did a little homework on the ship though not enough, and I have lectures I missed to go through the notes for and a lot of reading to do. So things will get back to normal at some point, but the next week or so will be pretty busy. I promise I'll catch up with all of you eventually.

Off to sea

Be jealous: I'm going on a cruise! A 10-day, all expenses paid cruise around the Hawaiian islands!

OK, not that kind of cruise. It's a research cruise.

As many of you know I am currently a physical oceanography grad student. While my studies usually involve just me and my computer, locked away in a windowless office, this happens to be a rare occasion (my first, actually...sadly) where I get to do field research. And in this case, that research is on a boat! For 10 days! I leave tomorrow. Thought it's a distinct possibility, I hope I won't get seasick, because the food on the ship is supposed to be really good. And everyone knows that one of the main reasons oceanography grad students go on research cruises is for the free food, so it would be a shame if I couldn't enjoy it.

I will have internet access on the ship, but it will be limited, so I don't expect to be writing new posts while I'm on the research cruise (though I promise to report anything interesting when I get back). Luckily, I've planned ahead and put together a series of posts for you while I'm away: lots and lots of pretty photos (ooooh!). First, some photos of Hawaii that I took in December when my college roommate was visiting, including some of my best snorkeling photos yet (multiple, clear pictures of an octopus--not that wimpy fleeting octopus from my Sharks Cove video). After that, it gets even better: a few choice photos that the Housemate has taken in Antarctica! Glaciers, a leopard seal, humpback whale, and of course, penguins!

I hope you like them.

The close of 2010

I have been a pretty terrible blogger in the last month (assuming I was ever marginally competent). Sure I can claim to have been busy and preoccupied, but part of it was just me feeling unmotivated. I guess there are times when I write here because I feel the need to share my thoughts on some subject, but there are also times when it seems like too much work. There were three posts that I started in the month of December but never got around to finishing (and are now too out of date to complete). Any other ideas I might have had last month (if there were any) didn't even get that far. Still, I feel like 2010 deserves some form of closing post, even if I will be publishing this in the new year.

So what (of note) did 2010 bring to me?

Games
I was still playing some Dragon Age: Origins at the beginning of the year, and then again when they put out the Morrigan DLC. I also played through Portal after Steam offered it for free, and that was quite a revelation. It was too short, of course, but I am eagerly anticipating the release of the longer, larger Portal 2. I finished up the main campaign of Guild Wars all alone, as my brother couldn't bring himself to play the last three missions with me (sniff!). He did, however, get me to buy Borderlands, which he is willing to play with me, and we're nearing the end of our second playthrough together. But really, this year was all about Mass Effect 2. It is an awesome game, fun, powerful, and very well done. I loved it so much, and the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC which I recently played was just icing on the cake. I can't wait for Mass Effect 3, but at the same time I will be so sad to see the saga end.

Regarding other types of gaming, I also just got hooked on Dominion. Unfortunately, it was a Christmas gift that my younger brother received, so if I want to continue playing it when I go back to Hawaii, I will have to secure a set for myself. If you don't know the game, I highly recommend you check it out.

TV
Fringe continues to be my favorite show on TV. My favorite new show of the year was Nikita, though Hawaii Five-0 is a guilty pleasure of mine as well (it's so fun to recognize places they go to, though less so to imagine that people have been found dead there...). Glee had some ups and downs, but I think they may be on the right track again (hope hope). More disappointingly, they canceled FlashForward last spring, and Caprica this fall. I'm particularly bitter about Caprica. Maybe Blood & Chrome will help explain how the events in Caprica ultimately led to the Cylons of the Cylon War, but I'm not counting on it.

Movies
I saw more this year than I think I usually do in the theater. I'm trying to remember which ones (I should keep a list or something). Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Inception, Kick-Ass, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, and Black Swan stand out, but I'm surely forgetting others that I enjoyed. And those are just ones in the theater--I also recently saw the movie Clue for the first time (funny and very enjoyable), as well as (500) Days of Summer, which was quite beautiful.

I just have to share this anecdote from the theater when I saw Black Swan. At the end of the movie, as the credits started rolling and the lights went up, my friend and I overheard this conversation behind us:
Person 1: I don't get it... Did [slight spoiler happen] at the end?
Person 2: No, they have to leave it open for a sequel.
It was hilarious. This is not the type of movie that would have a sequel. Really, I mean, it's Darren Aronofsky. Imagine The Wrestler Returns. Requiem II for a Dream. Or Pi^2. No. Anyway, my friend and I thought the idea of Black Swan 2 was pretty hilarious.

Academics
In terms of classes and grades, 2010 may have been my best year ever (that one darn professor who only gave me an A). But unfortunately I'm not an undergrad anymore, and doing well in classes is not enough. I need to be doing research, developing my plan for my dissertation, writing my prospectus. That is so much harder for me than the clear-cut goal of mastering class material to do well on an exam. I got enough research done in one of the summer months to have something to present at the yearly student presentations, and then again at a presentation to the general public at Hanauma Bay. But that was really my only productive month of the year. Aside from that, I have failed miserably at being a good grad student. Luckily, I have PhD Comics to help me feel like I am not alone.

Family and friends
2010 was the first year that I had a boyfriend (and the same one, at that: "The Housemate") for the entire year. Over one sixth of the year, though, he was away in Antarctica. I rather like having a boyfriend, but I'm still not sure how serious the relationship is or where it is going. This will deserve its own post, later.

My grandmother died. I am now down to one grandparent--her husband. As the only one of their progeny living in the same city (in fact, I live less than a mile from my grandfather, whereas the next nearest descendant is a five hour plane ride away), I think it will largely fall on me to keep him company. I can't imagine how lonely it must feel to lose your spouse of 62 years.

My roommate from college came to visit me right before Christmas. Despite unusually rainy weather, we had a lot of fun, and her stay was all too short. I still need to go through those photos. If there are any good ones, I'll be sure to share.

In short
It was a good year overall. Could have been better, but could have been a lot worse. I hope that in the new year I'll be able to sort out some of the kinks I've developed in the past year (mainly, questions about the boyfriend and what the heck I'm doing in grad school). So I'll take a cup of kindness for 2010, and I wish for an even better 2011.

Update: grandmother, exams, holiday

My grandmother's funeral was last Saturday. The service was very nice. The church was beautiful, and the flower arrangements were lovely (it was convenient that it's Christmas, so the church was already decked out in poinsettias...we just added even more flowers). We grandchildren all sang "Over the Rainbow" (Iz's tune, original lyrics) accompanied by me and one of my cousins on the ukulele (I'm still terrible at playing the uke, so I was glad that I showed my cousin the chords...he's quite good at guitar already). Another cousin--the one with a masters in vocal performance training to be an opera singer--sang a slightly modified version of "For Good" from Wicked. The turnout was good, and we ended up with just about the right amount of food (yummy Chinese food) at the reception afterwards (i.e., enough for a meal of leftovers).

On Sunday night we had dinner with family from my grandfather's side, which was actually closer to my grandmother as an adult than her side of the family (she didn't seem that close to her siblings), then went back to one of their houses to "talk story" (it's a Hawaii phrase) about my grandmother. I ended up learning a lot about her I hadn't known. I also learned a lot about my grandfather's parents that I hadn't known...even though we were there to share memories about my grandmother, my grandfather and great uncles couldn't keep themselves from veering off topic to talk about other family members who have passed.

We buried her on Monday. It's a lovely cemetery right next to Diamond Head, with the graves decorated by the colorful tropical flowers loved ones bring. I'd been there several times before, as my grandmother's parents and grandfather's parents (whom I never met) are all buried there. The weather was perfect--sunny and clear, slight breeze, not too hot (80ish). I'm relatively stoic, but it was during the burial that I cried the most. It finally sunk in how final this was. That if I wanted to visit my grandmother from now on, that I'd have to come here. And the thought that her parents were buried nearby, and now their daughter was joining them, really got to me.

On Tuesday I got back to work. I had to study for my final exam on Friday morning. I took the exam and I think it went pretty well. I say this now, of course, but I could have gotten some of the questions completely wrong. We'll see. I tried to find my advisor after the exam, but there was no sign of him in his office--for all I know he's already off for winter break. I haven't seen him in a month. With all the family stuff going on, and me just being a general slacker right now (I haven't been feeling very motivated lately), I never had anything to report to him. No progress made on my research. I'm actually a little depressed about it. So I sent him an email saying what's been up with my family (I hadn't even told him about my grandmother), which will hopefully excuse me from not making any progress with my research this month, and wishing him happy holidays. I feel bad, though, that I didn't see him to say that in person. Oh well.

A couple hours after my exam, I went to pick up my college roommate from the airport. I haven't seen her in a year and a half, since our second reunion. I bought a pikake lei (not a very nice one...I am a poor grad student) for her, since I figure it's her first time on the island and I might as well give her the full Hawaii treatment. They're so beautifully fragrant, and as I type this on my bed, it's making my bedroom smell wonderful. My friend is here for five days; I leave on the same flight as she does to go to my parents' for the holidays. Hopefully we can fit in a lot of good stuff in those five days. I'll probably not be blogging much in that time. I hope everyone is well, and I'll surely have at least one more post by Christmas, but in any case, I hope everyone has a happy holiday season!

Hasty departure...

Last night I bought plane tickets for a flight that leaves tonight. I've never done something this substantial with such short notice. It's been a little crazy the past few days, with classes starting (or rather "class," as I only have one this semester) and my field work finally kicking into gear. But one piece of good news came out of my first class on Monday: while the class is scheduled for Monday-Wednesday-Friday, it only sometimes meets on Friday, to make up for the Mondays and Wednesdays that the professor misses due to travel. And there's no class this Friday.

So suddenly everything was perfect--I had a long weekend, the Housemate was free to take a long weekend, and our window of opportunity to use a friend's temporarily empty apartment was still open. We bought tickets and got a rental car in a hurry, and tonight we're off. I'm not sure what my internet access will be there, but I'll update with more info when I can. Now I have to get some lab work done before I go home to pack. Catch you later.

Spider-Man: The Musical is back, Joss rules, and ThinkGeek coupon!

I've been pretty stressed for the past couple weeks because yesterday I had to give a presentation to the department on the research I've done in my first year of grad school (summary: not much). We physical oceanography students have to do these presentations every year, unlike the other oceanography divisions (bio and geo/chem) who only do it once towards the end of their second year. Why is our division so mean? Anyway, I'm usually pretty good with presentations (I've been told I have a "good presentation voice"), but I was more nervous than usual with this one, mostly because the people who presented before me were asked hard questions, and I knew I didn't have many answers to give beyond what I was already saying in my talk. I felt like I did kind of make a fool of myself with the questions ("Did you try looking at X?" "No, but that's a good idea, thanks, I'll look into it." "What would you expect if you did Y?" "I don't know, I should try that." "Can you explain why Z?" "I'm not sure... I'll look into that."). But at least it's over now.

Two entertainment tidbits I felt like sharing...

It's been a while since I mentioned Spider-Man: The Musical (aka Spider-Man, Turn off the Dark). It was originally supposed to open on Broadway back in February, but budget issues put it on hold. It lost some of its stars (Evan Rachel Wood as Mary Jane, Alan Cummings as Green Goblin) who have busy schedules and moved onto other projects. But it's finally on again (Variety). Reeve Carney is still on to play Peter Parker, Jennifer Damiano will be playing Mary Jane, and Patrick Page is the new Green Goblin. The show is scheduled to open on December 21, with previews starting November 14.

I just watched this interview with Joss Whedon at Comic-Con, regarding The Avengers. It just made me so much more excited, about Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, the two Chrises, and the movie in general. Favorite bits: "Mrs. Joss Renner" and "[Chris Hemsworth is] bigger and handsomer than a person is." I'm so in love with all of them.

Last quick note:
If you're a geek, you've probably at one point or other drooled over some clever t-shirt, awesome gadget, or cool toy at ThinkGeek.com. If you haven't seen their stuff before, then go to their site and start drooling. Anyway, if you're interested in buying anything from them, there's a promotion going on today only. The site was down last night for routine maintenance, but the notice they put up saying the site was down gave us a promotional code to reward us for our patience. So if you order before 11:59 pm Eastern time tonight (August 19), you can get $10 off a purchase of $40 or more by using the code SILLYMONKEYS.

I've got my eye on that "Look at me still talking when there's science to do" t-shirt for the boyfriend (that was what brought me to the site last night to discover the promotion). Maybe I'd even get one for myself. The "Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock" t-shirt is pretty good, too. Still toying with the idea of the magic wand remote, but that one costs a bit more. Well anyway, enjoy!