Monday, January 10, 2011

One month left...

The Housemate, aka my boyfriend, comes back from Antarctica in one month. Hopefully this last month will go faster than the first two.

Most of the time since he left, I've found myself missing him terribly. In the past couple months, I've been sad about various things, which makes me think how nice it would be to have the Housemate here to comfort me. Except for the five days when my friend was visiting me, and the two weeks when I was at my parents' for winter break, I've been pretty lonely in my house here in Honolulu. Every day I would get to school late, because I wanted to talk to him so long in the morning, and then leave school early, because I wanted to talk to him before he went to bed (7 hour time difference). While at school, I would take every opportunity I had to chat with him, or play Scrabble with him on Facebook. It wasn't very good for my work productivity.

Furthermore, I was sad because I felt so lonely and bored, all while the Housemate was exploring Antarctica, doing exciting things that few people get to do, seeing things few people get to see, taking great photos and videos, making new friends, eating great food, playing in a band. He never had as much time to chat as I did. I was happy for him, but sometimes I just wanted my boyfriend to come back and be mine again.

Winter break was different. I was home with my parents and my two brothers, doing family stuff. I adore my brothers, and we don't get to see each other very often, so I cherish all the time I get to spend with them. We played games, hung out, talked, cooked, had dinner parties, celebrated the holidays. I had much less time to talk to the Housemate than I did at home in Honolulu. To make matters worse, I didn't want my family to be able to hear me talk to the Housemate, so most of the time when we were video chatting, I typed instead of talked. He could still see me on the video, but it's not quite as personal as hearing someone's voice. The internet connection at my parents' house is slow, so the video was frequently freezing, making our conversations more frustrating. And I gave a priority to events happening at home; I did my best to find a free moment to talk to the Housemate, but sometimes I'd be called down for dinner, or a game, or whatever, and I'd have to say goodbye.

The whole situation frustrated the Housemate, understandably. Now I was the one having fun doing other things, finding little time to spend with him. One time after I abruptly left a conversation with him because I was called down for dinner, he wrote a sad email to me saying how marginal I was making him feel (yes, he's a sensitive type, which is mostly wonderful but sometimes tough). It was good that he told me, but it made me feel awful to know that I was making him feel like that. This awful feeling was followed, however, by a slight resentment of his neediness. For two months I had felt lonely and sad while he went off and did fun things, and now that I was the one with fun things to do, he was whining to me about how it made him feel neglected. I began to focus on all the things (actually not very many) that I wish were different about him. I started to think that maybe he's not the right one for me. He's a great boyfriend, but could I ever seriously marry him? Have his children? These thoughts ate away at me, putting me off him, and I resented some of the time we were spending together in video chats. He seemed too needy. And there were other things that I'd rather be doing.

The resentment only lasted a few days, though. He really is wonderful in so many ways. Sure, he has a couple flaws, but I don't really believe that everyone has one perfect soul mate, so I won't cast him aside because he's not absolutely perfect. I have some doubts, but I can push them to the back of my brain. Right now, I just love having a boyfriend, more than I thought I would back before I'd ever had one. I love having someone adore me, tell me I'm beautiful and sweet. I love snuggling, and having someone warm and gentle there next to me when I'm sleeping. I love having someone who will listen to me, be happy when I'm happy, and comfort me when I'm sad. I love having someone who loves to cook for me. He does all of these things and more. He really is a great boyfriend.

I miss him a ton. Every time we sign off video chat, I wish we could stay longer. I can't wait for him to come back. I mean--I can wait, I will wait. I just wish I didn't have to. Here's hoping that the month will fly by fast, and that everything will be better when he gets back.


cassey said...

Yay, only a month to go :) Also I'm working on an interview series with gamers for Nevermet Press, think you'd like to take part?

soap_bubbles said...

I read your blog and read it again - ok ... well the second time I really just read this chunck about four times .... only because perhaps it's the exact same thing I was planning to pen this evening on my own blog!!

"...saying how marginal I was making him feel (yes, he's a sensitive type, which is mostly wonderful but sometimes tough). It was good that he told me, but it made me feel awful to know that I was making him feel like that. This awful feeling was followed, however, by a slight resentment of his neediness."

Vanessita said...

I agree with you in the sense that there's no such thing as a soul mate and nobody is perfect.
If everybody understood that there are no perfect couples (since there are no perfect individuals either) and put a little more effort in working things, marriage could be a much happier institution.
I'm glad that you've found someone you're compatible with and seems to be a real nice guy. Hold on a little more, it's almost time for reunion! :)
Best of luck for you both and God bless you!

Vanessita said...

I meant "working things out", sorry :P

Hezabelle said...

I know what you mean, that would definitely annoy me too. But hopefully it will be fine when you ARE back together and neither of you has to worry about feeling neglected!