So this month is poised to be my month with the fewest posts since January. It is sad. My excuse(s)? Well, first there was trying to catch up on work that I missed when I was away for a week in Berlin. Then there were midterms. Then I have this huge deadline at the beginning of November for something that I haven't started yet because I've been concentrating on putting my paper and talk together for Berlin, then presenting in Berlin, then doing the make-up work, then doing the midterms. I'm applying for a fellowship and money is good so it would be really good if I got a decent application together.
Anyway, sorry I haven't had more posts. Hopefully things will be better in November. The Housemate and I keep talking about November as if it's The Promised Land. We'll go to the movies... in November. I'll bake cookies... in November. We'll go to the North Shore... in November. We'll go surfing again... in November. We'll go snorkeling and hiking... in November. I'll introduce him to BSG... Sounds like I've got a busy November ahead of me.
I do have a few more posts that I hope to get out before November. One more post with Berlin pictures (the zoo), and probably a post about entertainment news. The best bit of news I just can't wait any longer to share (though putting it here will make my entertainment news post 95% less cool):
Joss Whedon is going to direct an episode of Glee!!!! (EW.com) Fox ordered the rest of a full season of Glee, and Whedon, a fan of the show, agreed to direct one of the back nine. Too exciting! Joss Whedon + Glee = too much coolness for me to handle. Squee!!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change
So I'm not really aware of things like this going on in the blogging world, but it has become clear to me that today is Blog Action Day 2009, and the theme this year is Climate Change. Since I have worked directly in the field of climate change research, I feel like I should do some sort of post for Blog Action Day. Unfortunately, because of the short notice, it won't be as good a post as it might have been; I'm just throwing this together off the top of my head.
Global Climate Change is real. The doubters are losing the argument and becoming fewer and fewer. In the scientific community, it is essentially unanimously accepted that global climate change is happening right now and that it is caused by humans. There are still some significant doubters among the general public who are unconvinced that humans are affecting climate change. But it is well established scientifically that the main cause of the change in climate is the elevated levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and humans are responsible for almost all of that CO2 increase, mainly due to our vast burning of fossil fuels since the start of the industrial revolution. I've heard an argument that humans and human activities output relatively low levels of CO2 compared to nature itself. That is true (the environment is a lot bigger than us little humans), but it is irrelevant; nature is able to balance its CO2 output, while we humans are just putting excess CO2 into the atmosphere without a mechanism to remove it.
The term "Global Warming" is used a lot, but "Global Climate Change" is more accurate. There will be overall warming across the globe, but that is just part of the story. The climate is projected to become more variable as well. We can expect to see both more hurricanes and more droughts. There will be more heat waves for longer periods of time. As climates change, the ecosystems will change as well. Some species may find themselves benefiting from the climate change, but in return others will be hurt, and all around the delicate balance will be disrupted. Who knows what will come out of that? We can bet that we'll lose something we'll miss.
As an oceanographer, I am particularly aware of the issue of rising sea levels (I'm going to be teaching kids about it this Saturday, in fact). As the water stored as ice on land (largely in Antarctica and Greenland) melts and runs into the ocean, the sea level will rise. It doesn't take much of an increase to put significant amounts of land underwater. Now is a bad time to invest in beachfront property.
Another ocean problem you may or may not have heard about is ocean acidification. This is related to climate change, because the more CO2 that is in the atmosphere, the more CO2 gets dissolved in the oceans (it's an equilibrium balance thing). This reduces the pH of the ocean, making it noticeably more acidic. This can cause problems for calcifying organisms (which use calcium carbonate in their shells/skeletons/etc.), including corals, mollusks (the group that includes snails and clams), crustaceans (the group including crabs), echinoderms (the group including sea urchins and sea stars), and coccolithophores (a type of algae which, like other photosynthetic organisms, helps to reduce CO2 in the atmosphere).
I'm sorry that this is all rambling and isn't the most scientific of summaries of global climate change, since it would be fair to expect more from me. But this information is based on what I've heard time and time again in my classes at different universities and in seminars with leading scientists, as well as what I've learned from multiple peer-reviewed publications I've read and research I worked on myself using the suite of global climate model predictions (there are about 20 global climate models from around the world).
In even the best-case scenarios, the Earth is going to get warmer, and the climate is going to change and cause problems. But we can help to lessen those future problems (which will have noticeable effects in our lifetimes). One of the things to do is lessen your energy consumption. Walk or ride a bike, or take public transportation. If you must drive a car, choose something energy efficient, not some huge gas-guzzler. Turn off the lights (as well as the TV, computer, etc.) when you leave the room. Only turn up the heat or air conditioning to the level that you really need. You've probably heard all these things before, but they really can make a difference.
As a side note, even if you don't care about global climate change, you're going to have to find ways to reduce energy consumption sooner or later. I just came from a lecture where the professor told us quite bluntly that we're going to run out of oil, and the only things that are poised to replace it sufficiently are natural gas and coal, which will then run out themselves. We need some unexpected, unlikely advances in technology in order to deal with what happens after that. Sounds like we're kind of doomed, really.
Anyway, I've blabbed on enough about this. Again, sorry it's not better, I just don't have the time right now to do what this post deserves. Maybe I'll write something good in the future. But yeah, Blog Action Day 2009: It's time to care about climate change. Because even if you don't care about it now, in a couple decades, you won't have a choice.
Global Climate Change is real. The doubters are losing the argument and becoming fewer and fewer. In the scientific community, it is essentially unanimously accepted that global climate change is happening right now and that it is caused by humans. There are still some significant doubters among the general public who are unconvinced that humans are affecting climate change. But it is well established scientifically that the main cause of the change in climate is the elevated levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and humans are responsible for almost all of that CO2 increase, mainly due to our vast burning of fossil fuels since the start of the industrial revolution. I've heard an argument that humans and human activities output relatively low levels of CO2 compared to nature itself. That is true (the environment is a lot bigger than us little humans), but it is irrelevant; nature is able to balance its CO2 output, while we humans are just putting excess CO2 into the atmosphere without a mechanism to remove it.
The term "Global Warming" is used a lot, but "Global Climate Change" is more accurate. There will be overall warming across the globe, but that is just part of the story. The climate is projected to become more variable as well. We can expect to see both more hurricanes and more droughts. There will be more heat waves for longer periods of time. As climates change, the ecosystems will change as well. Some species may find themselves benefiting from the climate change, but in return others will be hurt, and all around the delicate balance will be disrupted. Who knows what will come out of that? We can bet that we'll lose something we'll miss.
As an oceanographer, I am particularly aware of the issue of rising sea levels (I'm going to be teaching kids about it this Saturday, in fact). As the water stored as ice on land (largely in Antarctica and Greenland) melts and runs into the ocean, the sea level will rise. It doesn't take much of an increase to put significant amounts of land underwater. Now is a bad time to invest in beachfront property.
Another ocean problem you may or may not have heard about is ocean acidification. This is related to climate change, because the more CO2 that is in the atmosphere, the more CO2 gets dissolved in the oceans (it's an equilibrium balance thing). This reduces the pH of the ocean, making it noticeably more acidic. This can cause problems for calcifying organisms (which use calcium carbonate in their shells/skeletons/etc.), including corals, mollusks (the group that includes snails and clams), crustaceans (the group including crabs), echinoderms (the group including sea urchins and sea stars), and coccolithophores (a type of algae which, like other photosynthetic organisms, helps to reduce CO2 in the atmosphere).
I'm sorry that this is all rambling and isn't the most scientific of summaries of global climate change, since it would be fair to expect more from me. But this information is based on what I've heard time and time again in my classes at different universities and in seminars with leading scientists, as well as what I've learned from multiple peer-reviewed publications I've read and research I worked on myself using the suite of global climate model predictions (there are about 20 global climate models from around the world).
In even the best-case scenarios, the Earth is going to get warmer, and the climate is going to change and cause problems. But we can help to lessen those future problems (which will have noticeable effects in our lifetimes). One of the things to do is lessen your energy consumption. Walk or ride a bike, or take public transportation. If you must drive a car, choose something energy efficient, not some huge gas-guzzler. Turn off the lights (as well as the TV, computer, etc.) when you leave the room. Only turn up the heat or air conditioning to the level that you really need. You've probably heard all these things before, but they really can make a difference.
As a side note, even if you don't care about global climate change, you're going to have to find ways to reduce energy consumption sooner or later. I just came from a lecture where the professor told us quite bluntly that we're going to run out of oil, and the only things that are poised to replace it sufficiently are natural gas and coal, which will then run out themselves. We need some unexpected, unlikely advances in technology in order to deal with what happens after that. Sounds like we're kind of doomed, really.
Anyway, I've blabbed on enough about this. Again, sorry it's not better, I just don't have the time right now to do what this post deserves. Maybe I'll write something good in the future. But yeah, Blog Action Day 2009: It's time to care about climate change. Because even if you don't care about it now, in a couple decades, you won't have a choice.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Estrel Berlin
The hotel I stayed at in Berlin, where our conference was held, was the Estrel Hotel. It claims to be Europe's largest convention-, entertainment-, and hotel-complex, though I haven't confirmed this fact. It certainly seemed pretty big. The lobby/atrium/restaurant area was beautiful, with glass roof and fountains and (probably mostly fake) greenery. I kept meaning to take some photos, but I never did because of course I was there for the whole week, so I could do always do it later. Ah well.
I did, however, take a couple exterior shots. Particularly of a neon light display they had in their beer garden.
First the hotel. The photo is boring except for the neon lights...
Let's take a closer look at those lights. The light for the swan's neck and head was out, so I've Photoshopped that in so you can see it more easily.
WTF? What's going on there?
Ah, Berlin!
I did, however, take a couple exterior shots. Particularly of a neon light display they had in their beer garden.
First the hotel. The photo is boring except for the neon lights...
Let's take a closer look at those lights. The light for the swan's neck and head was out, so I've Photoshopped that in so you can see it more easily.
WTF? What's going on there?
Ah, Berlin!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Tour around Berlin
Finally, a post about the interesting (i.e., non-science-conferency) parts of my trip to Berlin, Germany. I arrived in Berlin around 8 am Sunday morning (25 hours after my plane had left Honolulu Friday night [sic]). My task was to stay awake the entire day in order to adjust myself to the 12 hour time difference. That meant I had to get moving.
Luckily, I was able to connect with a friend who was staying at the same hotel for the conference. I had met her in France, though she's originally from Canada and is doing a postdoc in Denmark. So she and a friend of hers who was visiting from Canada walked around Berlin with me that day and tried to keep me awake.
That Sunday happened to be the day of the annual Berlin marathon, which I knew nothing about but is a really big thing, claiming about 40,000 enrolled starters (so says Wikipedia). The marathon made walking around some parts of the city very convenient, since the roads were blocked off, but crossing the path of the marathon was a bit more complicated, though still possible. We saw the marathon, the Brandenburg Gate, the Reichstag building, the Holocaust memorial, a bit of the Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie (reconstructed in situ), and the area where Hitler committed suicide. Unfortunately, I had taken so many pictures in the Reichstag that I'd used up my camera's memory, and since the screen was not working I couldn't tell. I thought the Holocaust memorial was particularly interesting, so I'm sorry I didn't get photos from that. Anyway, from that first day, I only have photos of the gate, the marathon (which we watched right at the gate) and the Reichstag.
On Tuesday, I took the whole day off from the conference to go on a 6.5 hour bus tour of Berlin. We visited the Reichstag, but that was the only real repeat from the day before. We also got off the bus for a one hour river boat tour on the Spree (sounds something like "Shpray"). There is only so much information that my brain can take in in a day-long tour, but I came away from the Berlin tour with two general impressions.
Firstly, Berlin does not seem nearly as old as other famous cities I've been to in Europe (which really just would include London and Paris). Coming from the U.S., where any building from the 18th Century seems so very old, I was always struck when seeing something in London or Paris and realizing that it was really, really, really old. What? That's a piece of wall that the Romans built?! Holy crap. Berlin was not a major city until it was the capital of Prussia in the 18th Century. Thus, the earliest buildings of importance date back only to the 1700s. Furthermore, a lot of these old (but not that old) buildings of importance are now lost. A LOT of them. We looked at a scaled down replica of what a portion of the city used to look like. There's so much that isn't there anymore. I guess some stuff was destroyed in the war, but also there were old palaces and churches that the GDR (DDR in German, haha) didn't like--palaces are symbols of monarchy, churches are symbols of religion--and they razed them. Kind of sad.
The second thing that stuck with me is how very recent the division of East and West Germany was. I was born well before the wall fell. I have memories from the time when they were still divided. People not much older than me surely can remember what life was like in East Germany. Our not-old tour guide explained that had Berlin remained divided, he would not have been allowed to leave East Berlin until 2038 (age 65 for men, 60 for women). This is not ancient history. You can see memorials set up for people who were killed trying to cross the wall. One was some kid who was shot in fall of 1989. If he'd just waited a little longer... The tour guide explained that the center of Berlin has more open spaces, and some wider roads thanks to the wall, since it wasn't just a thin little wall but also a wide open strip of nothing but guard towers that you'd have to cross if you wanted to escape. There were clear places where old buildings should have been. There were lots of similar looking apartment buildings. And there were lots of very new buildings, new architecture--stuff built after the reunification, in the 1990s and 2000s.
Berlin is a fascinating, lovely place. Here are some of my photos from my touring.
The Reichstag building, which houses Berlin's parliament (the Bundestag), originally opened in 1894 but has had much reconstruction along the way. I mainly like this photo of the exterior because it's a two-photo panoramic stitch, and the woman towards the foreground walking behind her identical twin really amuses me.
Here I am standing outside the glass dome on top of the Reichstag, barely visible in the above photo. This new dome was completed in 1999 and is meant to symbolize the new government's transparency.
Ramps spiral around up and down the interior of the glass dome. They have fun audio guide ear phone sets that detect where you're standing in the dome automatically and tell you to look out at various sites visible from the dome as you walk around. (Spot any more sets of twins?)
The mirrors in the center catch light coming through the dome and reflect it down into the Bundestag chamber below. Helps save some energy. Can you spot me? (The photo is from my second trip to the Reichstag, so it's a different outfit)
From the top of the Reichstag, I glimpsed some fall colors! Yay! That's all I'll get of fall colors this year.
Some remainder of the Berlin wall that has been painted.
I don't remember what building this is, and it's hard to see the features of the roof, particularly the second, ah, dome behind the first, but the tour guide amusingly called it the most "feminine" roof in Berlin.
A marathoner heads towards the Brandenburg Gate, very close to the race's finish. The gate is the only remaining one of a series that led towards the palace of the Prussian monarchs. Constructed in the late 18th Century, it's one of the iconic structures of Berlin (it appears on some of their Euros).
And now my favorite. I wanted my friend to take a photo of me in front of the Brandenburg Gate, but since it was the day of the marathon, I got a couple random marathon completers in the photo as a bonus.
Luckily, I was able to connect with a friend who was staying at the same hotel for the conference. I had met her in France, though she's originally from Canada and is doing a postdoc in Denmark. So she and a friend of hers who was visiting from Canada walked around Berlin with me that day and tried to keep me awake.
That Sunday happened to be the day of the annual Berlin marathon, which I knew nothing about but is a really big thing, claiming about 40,000 enrolled starters (so says Wikipedia). The marathon made walking around some parts of the city very convenient, since the roads were blocked off, but crossing the path of the marathon was a bit more complicated, though still possible. We saw the marathon, the Brandenburg Gate, the Reichstag building, the Holocaust memorial, a bit of the Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie (reconstructed in situ), and the area where Hitler committed suicide. Unfortunately, I had taken so many pictures in the Reichstag that I'd used up my camera's memory, and since the screen was not working I couldn't tell. I thought the Holocaust memorial was particularly interesting, so I'm sorry I didn't get photos from that. Anyway, from that first day, I only have photos of the gate, the marathon (which we watched right at the gate) and the Reichstag.
On Tuesday, I took the whole day off from the conference to go on a 6.5 hour bus tour of Berlin. We visited the Reichstag, but that was the only real repeat from the day before. We also got off the bus for a one hour river boat tour on the Spree (sounds something like "Shpray"). There is only so much information that my brain can take in in a day-long tour, but I came away from the Berlin tour with two general impressions.
Firstly, Berlin does not seem nearly as old as other famous cities I've been to in Europe (which really just would include London and Paris). Coming from the U.S., where any building from the 18th Century seems so very old, I was always struck when seeing something in London or Paris and realizing that it was really, really, really old. What? That's a piece of wall that the Romans built?! Holy crap. Berlin was not a major city until it was the capital of Prussia in the 18th Century. Thus, the earliest buildings of importance date back only to the 1700s. Furthermore, a lot of these old (but not that old) buildings of importance are now lost. A LOT of them. We looked at a scaled down replica of what a portion of the city used to look like. There's so much that isn't there anymore. I guess some stuff was destroyed in the war, but also there were old palaces and churches that the GDR (DDR in German, haha) didn't like--palaces are symbols of monarchy, churches are symbols of religion--and they razed them. Kind of sad.
The second thing that stuck with me is how very recent the division of East and West Germany was. I was born well before the wall fell. I have memories from the time when they were still divided. People not much older than me surely can remember what life was like in East Germany. Our not-old tour guide explained that had Berlin remained divided, he would not have been allowed to leave East Berlin until 2038 (age 65 for men, 60 for women). This is not ancient history. You can see memorials set up for people who were killed trying to cross the wall. One was some kid who was shot in fall of 1989. If he'd just waited a little longer... The tour guide explained that the center of Berlin has more open spaces, and some wider roads thanks to the wall, since it wasn't just a thin little wall but also a wide open strip of nothing but guard towers that you'd have to cross if you wanted to escape. There were clear places where old buildings should have been. There were lots of similar looking apartment buildings. And there were lots of very new buildings, new architecture--stuff built after the reunification, in the 1990s and 2000s.
Berlin is a fascinating, lovely place. Here are some of my photos from my touring.
The Reichstag building, which houses Berlin's parliament (the Bundestag), originally opened in 1894 but has had much reconstruction along the way. I mainly like this photo of the exterior because it's a two-photo panoramic stitch, and the woman towards the foreground walking behind her identical twin really amuses me.
Here I am standing outside the glass dome on top of the Reichstag, barely visible in the above photo. This new dome was completed in 1999 and is meant to symbolize the new government's transparency.
Ramps spiral around up and down the interior of the glass dome. They have fun audio guide ear phone sets that detect where you're standing in the dome automatically and tell you to look out at various sites visible from the dome as you walk around. (Spot any more sets of twins?)
The mirrors in the center catch light coming through the dome and reflect it down into the Bundestag chamber below. Helps save some energy. Can you spot me? (The photo is from my second trip to the Reichstag, so it's a different outfit)
From the top of the Reichstag, I glimpsed some fall colors! Yay! That's all I'll get of fall colors this year.
Some remainder of the Berlin wall that has been painted.
I don't remember what building this is, and it's hard to see the features of the roof, particularly the second, ah, dome behind the first, but the tour guide amusingly called it the most "feminine" roof in Berlin.
A marathoner heads towards the Brandenburg Gate, very close to the race's finish. The gate is the only remaining one of a series that led towards the palace of the Prussian monarchs. Constructed in the late 18th Century, it's one of the iconic structures of Berlin (it appears on some of their Euros).
And now my favorite. I wanted my friend to take a photo of me in front of the Brandenburg Gate, but since it was the day of the marathon, I got a couple random marathon completers in the photo as a bonus.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Housemate: Part VIII - Definitions
Continuation of The Housemate: Parts I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII.
So things were seemingly smooth between the Housemate and me after Tuesday evening with his words and my apathy. Though I still cared about him deeply, the lust just wasn't there, and I was back to questioning whether he's right for me, whether this is wise because we're housemates and live with each other, etc. I didn't know what was going on in his mind. We acted like there were no problems. But there were.
Friday night comes along. It's the weekend. Time to catch up on TV shows. First Glee. Then FlashForward. Then I finally decide to introduce him to How I Met Your Mother with the Season 5 premiere. He hasn't seen any of the previous seasons, but it's not necessary. You may get some added enjoyment from knowing what happened in all previous episodes, but sitcoms are constructed to work even if you haven't watched them before. With a bit of explanation of the characters and what was happening at the end of the last episode, the Housemate was good to go (I was a bit vague, though, when describing exactly how Robin had tried to make Barney fall out of love with her--I didn't want him to make that connection to our own flagging relationship...) Anyway, the Housemate understood what was going on in the episode, and he really liked the show. Clever and hilarious.
The Season 5 premiere is entitled "Definitions". Robin and Barney have been sleeping together, but they lie to their friends about it until the others walk in on them making out on the couch. Lily is so excited when they admit to having been hooking up all summer--"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend!" But Barney and Robin both think such a label is way too premature, much to Lily's confusion. Turns out, they still haven't had "the talk". After hooking up, they keep sitting down to have "the talk" to figure out what they are, what their relationship is, but each time they decide they don't like "the talk" and make out instead. Lily insists that they need to define their relationship, and she ends up locking them in the bedroom (not letting them out for breakfast) until they have "the talk".
The show ends, and the Housemate and I are sitting there on the couch quietly. I quickly break the silence with discussion (So, what did you think? It's pretty funny, I loved the part when Ted...). All while thinking Can we both ignore the elephant in the room? I'm going to try. I try pretty hard, actually, but it becomes clear that the Housemate doesn't want to watch another TV show tonight.
"I want to go to bed. I'm tired." (Horrible lie--it's not even midnight.)
"You sure you don't want to... talk?"
"Talk about what?"
"I don't know..."
Oh, so awkward.
Finally I say it. "You want to have 'the talk'." Not a question.
Oh, How I Met Your Mother. First the Mosby, and now it's forced us into having "the talk". So we talked about our feelings (yech!). I finally told him some of the things that I've put on this blog. And I arrived at a couple new revelations that aren't here yet.
I think that part of my problem with Tuesday night was that I was starting to feel like I was doing some things just because I was worried about disappointing him. As an inexperienced lover, I want to please him but I fear my skills are lacking. A couple times he had asked for a goodnight kiss when I didn't particularly feel like one, but he looked like he'd be so sad without one, so I did it. On Tuesday night, I had kind of decided for myself beforehand that we wouldn't do any below the belt stuff, but when he reached his hand down my back side, it wasn't uncomfortable... and I didn't want to pull his hand away because it might disappoint him. But it meant the rest of the time, I was worrying about whether he'd reach any farther and, if I couldn't bring myself to stop him for that first move, what else would I not be able to bring myself to stop him from doing. This revelation I kept to myself--I figured it would unnecessarily worry him.
The second revelation arose from conversation related to the HIMYM episode. Did I think of him as my boyfriend? Because he thought of me as his girlfriend. I said that I did not consider him my boyfriend. Why? If he's my boyfriend, then it means that I am no longer single. And strangely, that bothers me--I guess it's just so very foreign to me. It would take some getting used to. But ultimately it's just a word, right? Makes a certain Kelly Clarkson song come to mind... Miss Independent... Maybe that's my story.
Anyway, we had a good if awkward talk. We didn't patch things up perfectly, and we didn't fully define our relationship and where we think it's going. We didn't say everything. But I think we're both feeling better about it all. We're OK, and we're moving forward.
So things were seemingly smooth between the Housemate and me after Tuesday evening with his words and my apathy. Though I still cared about him deeply, the lust just wasn't there, and I was back to questioning whether he's right for me, whether this is wise because we're housemates and live with each other, etc. I didn't know what was going on in his mind. We acted like there were no problems. But there were.
Friday night comes along. It's the weekend. Time to catch up on TV shows. First Glee. Then FlashForward. Then I finally decide to introduce him to How I Met Your Mother with the Season 5 premiere. He hasn't seen any of the previous seasons, but it's not necessary. You may get some added enjoyment from knowing what happened in all previous episodes, but sitcoms are constructed to work even if you haven't watched them before. With a bit of explanation of the characters and what was happening at the end of the last episode, the Housemate was good to go (I was a bit vague, though, when describing exactly how Robin had tried to make Barney fall out of love with her--I didn't want him to make that connection to our own flagging relationship...) Anyway, the Housemate understood what was going on in the episode, and he really liked the show. Clever and hilarious.
The Season 5 premiere is entitled "Definitions". Robin and Barney have been sleeping together, but they lie to their friends about it until the others walk in on them making out on the couch. Lily is so excited when they admit to having been hooking up all summer--"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend!" But Barney and Robin both think such a label is way too premature, much to Lily's confusion. Turns out, they still haven't had "the talk". After hooking up, they keep sitting down to have "the talk" to figure out what they are, what their relationship is, but each time they decide they don't like "the talk" and make out instead. Lily insists that they need to define their relationship, and she ends up locking them in the bedroom (not letting them out for breakfast) until they have "the talk".
The show ends, and the Housemate and I are sitting there on the couch quietly. I quickly break the silence with discussion (So, what did you think? It's pretty funny, I loved the part when Ted...). All while thinking Can we both ignore the elephant in the room? I'm going to try. I try pretty hard, actually, but it becomes clear that the Housemate doesn't want to watch another TV show tonight.
"I want to go to bed. I'm tired." (Horrible lie--it's not even midnight.)
"You sure you don't want to... talk?"
"Talk about what?"
"I don't know..."
Oh, so awkward.
Finally I say it. "You want to have 'the talk'." Not a question.
Oh, How I Met Your Mother. First the Mosby, and now it's forced us into having "the talk". So we talked about our feelings (yech!). I finally told him some of the things that I've put on this blog. And I arrived at a couple new revelations that aren't here yet.
I think that part of my problem with Tuesday night was that I was starting to feel like I was doing some things just because I was worried about disappointing him. As an inexperienced lover, I want to please him but I fear my skills are lacking. A couple times he had asked for a goodnight kiss when I didn't particularly feel like one, but he looked like he'd be so sad without one, so I did it. On Tuesday night, I had kind of decided for myself beforehand that we wouldn't do any below the belt stuff, but when he reached his hand down my back side, it wasn't uncomfortable... and I didn't want to pull his hand away because it might disappoint him. But it meant the rest of the time, I was worrying about whether he'd reach any farther and, if I couldn't bring myself to stop him for that first move, what else would I not be able to bring myself to stop him from doing. This revelation I kept to myself--I figured it would unnecessarily worry him.
The second revelation arose from conversation related to the HIMYM episode. Did I think of him as my boyfriend? Because he thought of me as his girlfriend. I said that I did not consider him my boyfriend. Why? If he's my boyfriend, then it means that I am no longer single. And strangely, that bothers me--I guess it's just so very foreign to me. It would take some getting used to. But ultimately it's just a word, right? Makes a certain Kelly Clarkson song come to mind... Miss Independent... Maybe that's my story.
Anyway, we had a good if awkward talk. We didn't patch things up perfectly, and we didn't fully define our relationship and where we think it's going. We didn't say everything. But I think we're both feeling better about it all. We're OK, and we're moving forward.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Housemate: Part VII - Mosbied?
Continuation of The Housemate: Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI. I kind of decided that I didn't want to write specifically about my relationship with the Housemate anymore, that the last one would be the end of it (how unrealistic was that?). And I should be doing problem sets right now, or at least instead writing up posts about my visit to Germany. But this is what's on my mind, and it's got to get off of it. So here again I reveal what I consider too much (embarrassing, personal) information...
I hadn't really made out with the Housemate for two and a half weeks, ever since that first night. One of those weeks I'd been in Berlin, where I'd really missed him--more than I would miss a typical roommate friend, I observed. Another of those weeks, I'd been completely stressed out about preparing for Berlin. In any case, it had been a while. My body was telling me a little touch was long overdue. All day, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I had it planned. We had already decided we'd watch some TV shows after dinner (I had so many to catch up on from last week...). After the end of the show, while we're still sitting there with the lights out, it would be the perfect time for a make-out session. We wouldn't do too much, just the things we'd done before, and maybe just maybe I'd let him take my shirt off, though I'd probably wait until some other day for that; it was a school night, after all (I know, I'm too rational in these plans).
It's night. Things are going according to plan. We watch the TV shows, and afterwards we're sitting there with the lights off. We lie down and start to make out. But as we're going at it, for whatever reason, I'm not craving it so much. I try to recall that craving from earlier in the day, or how it felt the time we made out before, but it's not coming up readily. I have no idea why. Maybe it's that I'm concentrating too much, not entirely comfortable in my inexperience and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe it's just the ups and downs of my hormones playing with me. But I keep going, going through the motions, concentrating on doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I'm gaining experience, getting better, at least, right? Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying it, getting bits of excitement and arousal, but not as much as I expected. Is this how it's supposed to be? Is this how it is? I let him take off my shirt because maybe that will make me feel something more. His stubble is too scratchy. It doesn't help.
I finally manage to wrap the make-out session up. We're sitting on the edge of my bed, I'm sending him off back to his room with one last kiss. As it releases, in a whisper, he lets slip three little words. Yes, those little words. It's WAY too early for that.
I keep thinking about what I should have said. Maybe something like "I love you as a friend--that, I know. But I'm not sure I know yet what it means to love someone as a lover. I think I'm getting there, and when I do I'll be sure to tell you, and you'll know that I mean it." Sounds awful when I write it out like that, but it's better than nothing. Which is what I said instead. All I did was give him another short but what I hoped would feel like a passionate kiss. I acted like I maybe hadn't heard him. Then I sent him off to bed. (At least I didn't say "Thank you"--right?)
As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about that moment. It was so quiet--did he know that I heard him? Was he lying in bed wondering if I heard him? Was he lying in bed totally depressed that I hadn't said it back? How could he expect me to say it back? I don't even think he meant it. How could he? We haven't known each other long enough! He must not have been thinking straight. It was only the second time we were making out! He is a dear, dear friend, and I care about him a lot, but I really don't know whether "love" is an appropriate word yet, and until I'm sure I won't say it. But that whole time we were making out, he was concluding that he's in love with me, while I was just kind of going through the motions. I guess I must have been convincing. Was I just playing him? Acting? Does this make me a faker? A manipulative liar? A whore (without the pay)?
Today, everything was back to normal. If he was bummed about me not responding to him the night before, he didn't let it show. And I didn't act weird as if I'd heard him say it and hadn't said it back. All normal. My affection for him is no less than yesterday, but my desire for him is considerably less. Not gone, but I could almost see it being gone--if I chose to, I might be able to get over him (does that make sense?). Is this temporary or permanent? Is this just the vicissitudes of the female libido? Or have I been Mosbied*?
There is hope yet for the Housemate. Yes, he may have pulled a Mosby on me. But I frequently (well, to anyone who asks, which is usually just myself) cite Ted Mosby as the guy on TV I'd most want as a boyfriend.
* In How I Met Your Mother's pilot episode, Ted Mosby tells Robin that he's in love with her after their first date. Such a premature statement shocks Robin into being completely uninterested in Ted romantically (at least for a little while). This technique is dubbed "The Mosby" and put to use in the Season 4 finale "The Leap" when Robin is trying to make Barney fall out of love with her (and it works until he finds out that she was just Mosbying him). I tried to find a clip or a good quote but couldn't with the time at hand. But you should watch the show. My favorite sitcom on TV.
I hadn't really made out with the Housemate for two and a half weeks, ever since that first night. One of those weeks I'd been in Berlin, where I'd really missed him--more than I would miss a typical roommate friend, I observed. Another of those weeks, I'd been completely stressed out about preparing for Berlin. In any case, it had been a while. My body was telling me a little touch was long overdue. All day, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I had it planned. We had already decided we'd watch some TV shows after dinner (I had so many to catch up on from last week...). After the end of the show, while we're still sitting there with the lights out, it would be the perfect time for a make-out session. We wouldn't do too much, just the things we'd done before, and maybe just maybe I'd let him take my shirt off, though I'd probably wait until some other day for that; it was a school night, after all (I know, I'm too rational in these plans).
It's night. Things are going according to plan. We watch the TV shows, and afterwards we're sitting there with the lights off. We lie down and start to make out. But as we're going at it, for whatever reason, I'm not craving it so much. I try to recall that craving from earlier in the day, or how it felt the time we made out before, but it's not coming up readily. I have no idea why. Maybe it's that I'm concentrating too much, not entirely comfortable in my inexperience and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe it's just the ups and downs of my hormones playing with me. But I keep going, going through the motions, concentrating on doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I'm gaining experience, getting better, at least, right? Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying it, getting bits of excitement and arousal, but not as much as I expected. Is this how it's supposed to be? Is this how it is? I let him take off my shirt because maybe that will make me feel something more. His stubble is too scratchy. It doesn't help.
I finally manage to wrap the make-out session up. We're sitting on the edge of my bed, I'm sending him off back to his room with one last kiss. As it releases, in a whisper, he lets slip three little words. Yes, those little words. It's WAY too early for that.
I keep thinking about what I should have said. Maybe something like "I love you as a friend--that, I know. But I'm not sure I know yet what it means to love someone as a lover. I think I'm getting there, and when I do I'll be sure to tell you, and you'll know that I mean it." Sounds awful when I write it out like that, but it's better than nothing. Which is what I said instead. All I did was give him another short but what I hoped would feel like a passionate kiss. I acted like I maybe hadn't heard him. Then I sent him off to bed. (At least I didn't say "Thank you"--right?)
As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about that moment. It was so quiet--did he know that I heard him? Was he lying in bed wondering if I heard him? Was he lying in bed totally depressed that I hadn't said it back? How could he expect me to say it back? I don't even think he meant it. How could he? We haven't known each other long enough! He must not have been thinking straight. It was only the second time we were making out! He is a dear, dear friend, and I care about him a lot, but I really don't know whether "love" is an appropriate word yet, and until I'm sure I won't say it. But that whole time we were making out, he was concluding that he's in love with me, while I was just kind of going through the motions. I guess I must have been convincing. Was I just playing him? Acting? Does this make me a faker? A manipulative liar? A whore (without the pay)?
Today, everything was back to normal. If he was bummed about me not responding to him the night before, he didn't let it show. And I didn't act weird as if I'd heard him say it and hadn't said it back. All normal. My affection for him is no less than yesterday, but my desire for him is considerably less. Not gone, but I could almost see it being gone--if I chose to, I might be able to get over him (does that make sense?). Is this temporary or permanent? Is this just the vicissitudes of the female libido? Or have I been Mosbied*?
There is hope yet for the Housemate. Yes, he may have pulled a Mosby on me. But I frequently (well, to anyone who asks, which is usually just myself) cite Ted Mosby as the guy on TV I'd most want as a boyfriend.
* In How I Met Your Mother's pilot episode, Ted Mosby tells Robin that he's in love with her after their first date. Such a premature statement shocks Robin into being completely uninterested in Ted romantically (at least for a little while). This technique is dubbed "The Mosby" and put to use in the Season 4 finale "The Leap" when Robin is trying to make Barney fall out of love with her (and it works until he finds out that she was just Mosbying him). I tried to find a clip or a good quote but couldn't with the time at hand. But you should watch the show. My favorite sitcom on TV.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)