Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Housemate: Part VIII - Definitions

Continuation of The Housemate: Parts I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII.

So things were seemingly smooth between the Housemate and me after Tuesday evening with his words and my apathy. Though I still cared about him deeply, the lust just wasn't there, and I was back to questioning whether he's right for me, whether this is wise because we're housemates and live with each other, etc. I didn't know what was going on in his mind. We acted like there were no problems. But there were.

Friday night comes along. It's the weekend. Time to catch up on TV shows. First Glee. Then FlashForward. Then I finally decide to introduce him to How I Met Your Mother with the Season 5 premiere. He hasn't seen any of the previous seasons, but it's not necessary. You may get some added enjoyment from knowing what happened in all previous episodes, but sitcoms are constructed to work even if you haven't watched them before. With a bit of explanation of the characters and what was happening at the end of the last episode, the Housemate was good to go (I was a bit vague, though, when describing exactly how Robin had tried to make Barney fall out of love with her--I didn't want him to make that connection to our own flagging relationship...) Anyway, the Housemate understood what was going on in the episode, and he really liked the show. Clever and hilarious.

The Season 5 premiere is entitled "Definitions". Robin and Barney have been sleeping together, but they lie to their friends about it until the others walk in on them making out on the couch. Lily is so excited when they admit to having been hooking up all summer--"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend!" But Barney and Robin both think such a label is way too premature, much to Lily's confusion. Turns out, they still haven't had "the talk". After hooking up, they keep sitting down to have "the talk" to figure out what they are, what their relationship is, but each time they decide they don't like "the talk" and make out instead. Lily insists that they need to define their relationship, and she ends up locking them in the bedroom (not letting them out for breakfast) until they have "the talk".

The show ends, and the Housemate and I are sitting there on the couch quietly. I quickly break the silence with discussion (So, what did you think? It's pretty funny, I loved the part when Ted...). All while thinking Can we both ignore the elephant in the room? I'm going to try. I try pretty hard, actually, but it becomes clear that the Housemate doesn't want to watch another TV show tonight.

"I want to go to bed. I'm tired." (Horrible lie--it's not even midnight.)
"You sure you don't want to... talk?"
"Talk about what?"
"I don't know..."

Oh, so awkward.

Finally I say it. "You want to have 'the talk'." Not a question.

Oh, How I Met Your Mother. First the Mosby, and now it's forced us into having "the talk". So we talked about our feelings (yech!). I finally told him some of the things that I've put on this blog. And I arrived at a couple new revelations that aren't here yet.

I think that part of my problem with Tuesday night was that I was starting to feel like I was doing some things just because I was worried about disappointing him. As an inexperienced lover, I want to please him but I fear my skills are lacking. A couple times he had asked for a goodnight kiss when I didn't particularly feel like one, but he looked like he'd be so sad without one, so I did it. On Tuesday night, I had kind of decided for myself beforehand that we wouldn't do any below the belt stuff, but when he reached his hand down my back side, it wasn't uncomfortable... and I didn't want to pull his hand away because it might disappoint him. But it meant the rest of the time, I was worrying about whether he'd reach any farther and, if I couldn't bring myself to stop him for that first move, what else would I not be able to bring myself to stop him from doing. This revelation I kept to myself--I figured it would unnecessarily worry him.

The second revelation arose from conversation related to the HIMYM episode. Did I think of him as my boyfriend? Because he thought of me as his girlfriend. I said that I did not consider him my boyfriend. Why? If he's my boyfriend, then it means that I am no longer single. And strangely, that bothers me--I guess it's just so very foreign to me. It would take some getting used to. But ultimately it's just a word, right? Makes a certain Kelly Clarkson song come to mind... Miss Independent... Maybe that's my story.

Anyway, we had a good if awkward talk. We didn't patch things up perfectly, and we didn't fully define our relationship and where we think it's going. We didn't say everything. But I think we're both feeling better about it all. We're OK, and we're moving forward.


pinkjellybaby said...

Have you spoken to him and told him that you don't have much experience and you're nervous? If not, you should....sounds like your nerves about what might happen are making you too nervous to enjoy things.
Maybe speak to him and define some boundaries for the time being until you're more ready x

Sebastian said...

Your mental processes there sound a lot like those of The American, when I was forced to seduce her...

Fortunately, I was able to push through whatever blocks she had put in place, but it was hard work.

Guess it depends how much he wants it, and how much you don't want it... :)

Or perhaps you do actually want it, you're just being overanalytical (or nerves, as Pink-o says.)

nenexa said...

Aww... read all entries on the housemate saga, so cute! ^^
There's no rush so no need to be nervous! I understand your concerns though, the situation is favorable and accommodating for you to be together, so you're wondering if you're with him because of that or cause you really like each other... Yet he seems to be such a nice guy and could really be in love with you (maybe he is inexperienced too) of course those things are better to wait and see than to assume and go too far just to regret afterward... You seem to have a strong personality, just state your business and make him respect you, if he is the nice person he seems to be he will admire you for that, no need to be afraid, and this way you won't be nervous about it the next time... Anyway, God bless your decisions and guide your steps unto happiness! :)

Eleni said...

I know this is pretty long after writing the post, but thanks everyone for the encouragement. The Housemate and I are definitely at a more comfortable place now.

Hard to believe it's been over 6 months since he first kissed me.